[SOC] CHILI

[Ian C. Purdie]

Better version:

http://my.integritynet.com.au/purdic/funnyjoke1.htm

Lloyd Lachow wrote:

> sent by a friend this am, thought I'd share...
>
> >CHILI
>
> >
>
> >If you can read the whole story without tears of
>
> >laughter running down your cheeks then there may be
> no hope for you.
>
> >
>
> >NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
> pay attention to the
>
> >first two judges, the reaction of the third is even
> better. For those
> of
>
> >you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
> is. They actually
>
> >have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes
> to town.
>
> >
>
> >It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
>
> Astrodome. The
>
> >notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
> Frank, who was
>
> >visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
> >
>
> >Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>
> >judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
>
> in sick at the
>
> >last moment and I happened to be standing there at
> the judge's table
>
> >asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the
> call came in. I was
>
> >assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
> the chili wouldn't
>
> >be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
> have free beer
>
> >during the tasting, so I accepted.
>
> >
>
> >Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
> >
>
> >Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
> Amusing kick.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very
>
> >mild
>
> >    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is
> this stuff? You
>
> >could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
> two beers to put
>
> >the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
> Texans are crazy.
>
> >
>
> >Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> jalapeno tang.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
> peppers to be taken
>
> >seriously.
>
> >    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
> children. I'm not sure
>
> >what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
> wave off two people
>
> >who
>
> >wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
>
> >had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
>
> face.
>
> >
>
> >Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great
> kick. Needs more
> beans.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good
>
> use of peppers.
>
> >    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
>
> >spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
>
> Everyone knows
> the
>
> >routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
> Barmaid pounded me
>
> >on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
> my chest. I'm
>
> >getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
>
> >
>
> >Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no
> spice.
>
> >Disappointing.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
> Good side dish for
> fish
>
> >or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> >    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
>
> >tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
>
> burn out taste
>
> >buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh
> refills. That 300-LB.
>
> >barmaid is starting to look HOT-just like this
> nuclear waste I'm
>
> >eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> >
>
> >Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
>
> freshly ground,
>
> >adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, coulduse
> more tomato. Must
>
> >admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> >    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
> pouring off my forehead
>
> >and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
> people behind me
>
> >needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
> when I told her that
>
> >her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> tongue from
>
> >bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
> pitcher. I wonder if
>
> >I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that
>
> the other judges
>
> >asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> >
>
> >Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
> chili. Good balance
>
> >of spices and peppers.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
> peppers, onions, and
>
> >garlic. Superb.
>
> >    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight
> pipe filled with
>
> >gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted
>
> and I'm worried
> it
>
> >will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
> stand behind me
>
> >except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe my ass with a
>
> >snow cone.
>
> >
>
> >Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
> reliance on canned
>
> >peppers.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
> literally threw in a can
>
> >of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take
> note that I am
>
> >worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
>
> distress as he
>
> >is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> >    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
>
> pull the pin, and
> I
>
> >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
> and the world
>
> >sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> covered with
> chili,
>
> >which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
> full of lava like
>
> >shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
> they'll know what
>
> >killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too
> painful.
>
> >Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
> need air, I'll just
>
> >suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> >
>
> >Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
>
> >    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
> blend chili. Not
> too
>
> >bold but spicy enough to declare
>
> >its existence.
>
> >    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance
> chili. Neither
> mild
>
> >nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
> Judge # 3 passed
>
> >out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
> of himself. Not
>
> >sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
> he'd have reacted
>
> >to really hot chili.
>
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--
72/73's

Ian C. Purdie
Budgewoi N.S.W. Australia - Co-ords S33�14', E151�34'
VK2TIP "I'll give ya the TIP mate" QRP-L #1978. SOC #171 FP#91
http://www.electronics-tutorials.com/