[SOC] CHILI

[Lloyd Lachow]

sent by a friend this am, thought I'd share...

>CHILI

>

>If you can read the whole story without tears of

>laughter running down your cheeks then there may be 
no hope for you.

>

>NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you 
pay attention to the

>first two judges, the reaction of the third is even 
better. For those
of

>you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this 
is. They actually

>have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes 
to town.

>

>It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the

Astrodome. The

>notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named 
Frank, who was

>visiting Texas from the East Coast:

>

>Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

>judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called

in sick at the

>last moment and I happened to be standing there at 
the judge's table

>asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the 
call came in. I was

>assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that 
the chili wouldn't

>be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could 
have free beer

>during the tasting, so I accepted.

>

>Here are the scorecards from the event:

>

>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

>    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. 
Amusing kick.

>    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very

>mild

>    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is 
this stuff? You

>could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me 
two beers to put

>the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These 
Texans are crazy.

>

>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

>    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight 
jalapeno tang.

>    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more 
peppers to be taken

>seriously.

>    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of 
children. I'm not sure

>what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to 
wave off two people

>who

>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They

>had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my

face.

>

>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

>    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great 
kick. Needs more
beans.

>    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good

use of peppers.

>    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

>spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows
the

>routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. 
Barmaid pounded me

>on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of 
my chest. I'm

>getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

>

>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

>    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no 
spice.

>Disappointing.

>    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. 
Good side dish for
fish

>or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

>    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my

>tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to

burn out taste

>buds? Sally was standing behind me with fresh 
refills. That 300-LB.

>barmaid is starting to look HOT-just like this 
nuclear waste I'm

>eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

>

>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

>    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers

freshly ground,

>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

>    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, coulduse 
more tomato. Must

>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

>    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is 
pouring off my forehead

>and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four 
people behind me

>needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended 
when I told her that

>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my 
tongue from

>bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the 
pitcher. I wonder if

>I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that

the other judges

>asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

>

>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

>    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety 
chili. Good balance

>of spices and peppers.

>    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of 
peppers, onions, and

>garlic. Superb.

>    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight 
pipe filled with

>gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted

and I'm worried
it

>will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to 
stand behind me

>except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to 
wipe my ass with a

>snow cone.

>

>Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili

>    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much 
reliance on canned

>peppers.

>    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef 
literally threw in a can

>of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take 
note that I am

>worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of

distress as he

>is cursing uncontrollably.

>    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,

pull the pin, and
I

>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, 
and the world

>sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is 
covered with
chili,

>which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are 
full of lava like

>shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, 
they'll know what

>killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too 
painful.

>Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I 
need air, I'll just

>suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

>

>Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili

>    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice 
blend chili. Not
too

>bold but spicy enough to declare

>its existence.

>    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance 
chili. Neither
mild

>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when 
Judge # 3 passed

>out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top 
of himself. Not

>sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how 
he'd have reacted

>to really hot chili.


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