[Boatanchors] Christmas Radio Verse

[Duane Fischer, W8DBF]

        T'was The Night Before A Boat Anchor Christmas


                                        By, Duane B. Fischer


     T'was the night before Christmas and all through the
shack, not a creature was stirring, not even fat Jack the Cat
.  The QSL's were hung by the chimney with care, in the hopes
that Santa his rare card would share. The frogs were all
nestled in warm water beds, while visions of Mosquitos buzzed
through their heads. Frogzilla in tank top and Budweiser hat,
had just sprawled on my flora when he spotted the Cat. And
then on the patio there arose such a clatter, I sprang from
my recliner to see what was the matter. Away toward the patio
Frogzilla sped like a Turtle, picking up speed the door jam
to hurdle.  The Moon on the crust of the new fallen snow gave
the frozen frog pond an unearthly glow. The Cat heard him
croaking and leaped for his life, his claws cut my buttocks
like a drunk surgeons knife! I started to swear, but
remembered the vox, and swallowed the words burning holes in
my socks! The taco I ate came out as a puffer, the Cat
dropped over dead, a cheap stocking stuffer! I pushed open
the door and glanced at the trash, the sacks were still
sealed, but what was that crash?  When what to my wondering
eyes did appear, but a well traveled sleigh and nine anxious
reindeer.  The jolly old driver, so chubby and quick, looked
at Frogzilla and picked up a stick. "Yo Rudolph", he shouted
and kicked at the snow, "This web footed green horny Toad has
got to go!" Frogzilla had stopped six feet from the sleigh,
considered his options, and slowly backed away.  Santa
burped, blowing ice from his beard, made use of the stick as
a cookie he speared.  "No wonder we crashed on this quick
frozen swamp.", he fired. "Donner was nearly castrated by
that end fed long wire!" He puckered his lips and let loose a
whistle, and away the sleigh flew like the down of a thistle.
"Hold it right there Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and vixon. Put
that thing in reverse, Comet, Cupit, Donner and Blitzen!"
rudolph made a hard 180 and rolled to the left, landing the
sleigh with much practiced deft.  Santa climbed in and gave a
sly wink, fastened his seat belt and checked the gps link.
"To the top of the roof by the chimney of brick, and watch
those cheap shingles they're bound to be slick!" So up to the
roof top a new course they flew, with a sleigh crammed with
toys and Santa Claus too.  Then in a twinkling I heard on my
roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.  Before I
could stop him down my chimney he dropped, I ran for the
house as into my wood burner he plopped. The
flu it was broken, the door was ajar. He was covered in
soot and reeked of creosote tar. He coughed out a cloud that
encircled his head, put on his spectacles and my list he
read. His eyes how they twinkled, his pimples how merry, his
cheeks were like Roses, his nose red and hairy!  His mouth
was all puckered, drawn up in a bow, a constipated look, but
just couldn't go. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his
teeth, the smoke that encircled his head spelled Heath. He
had a broad face and a definite pot belly, that shook when he
laughed like a spoon of K-Jelly.  Some say he is chubby, to
others he's plump, I'd say he was fat by the width of his
rump! No doubt he was happy, this magic old Elf, I laughed at
his knot knees, in spite of myself.  A wink of his eye and a
twist of his head, out loud a part of my list he read.  "HT-
33b with new caps and resistors, a FPM-300 with new finals
and transistors. A D-104 with shiny new chrome and a lonely
SX-88 that needs a new home.  A sack full of JAN tubes
stilled sealed in their box, and somebody to fix my HT-32
with defective vox.  A SX-115 with front panel bright, and I
guess that's enough for one Christmas Eve night."  He spoke
not a word, but went straight to his work.  And filled all
five of my stockings then turned with a jerk. "Hey Fischer,
you vintage variety of Ham.", he said with a smirk. "I don't
see any cookies, what are you, some jerk? The shipping alone
on these presents of yours, could outfit Liz Taylor in
several real Furs! So move it or lose it, I'm a man in a
hurry, so get me my snack and you won't have to worry." He
gobbled them down like that big belly was hollow, he ate them
so fast he had no time to swallow. Then laying a finger along
side his red nose, he smiled at his work and up the chimney
he rose.  He sprang to his sleigh and to rudolph a whistle,
then strapped himself in his North Pole missile.  Frogzilla
was ready and leaped off the Rhone tower, he landed on Cupit
then croaked with full power. The Reindeer was startled and
the sleigh gave a bump, and he decorated my roof with a fresh
Reindeer dump! Santa was angry and reached for his whip, he'd
take no nonsense from this Frog with bad lip. He drew back
the handle, but before he could snap, rudolph lunged forward
spoiling the trap.  He turned his head backwards and bit
Cupit's nose,  The reindeer jumped skyward and Frogzilla rose
High in the sky as snowflakes floated down, then flipped over
twice and arced toward the ground. He hit the ice hopping a
snarl on his lip, the Reindeer were laughing, he had to move
quick. Santa was ready, Rudolph sprang to the sky, with red
nose blinking a Morse code good-bye.  The sleigh cleared the
rooftop, passed over a pine, Frogzilla hopped skyward
croaking "Victory is mine!" Rudolph ignored him, his mind on
the flight, Frogzilla's aim was deadly this Christmas Eve
night.  He snapped at the Reindeer as skyward they flew,
latched onto his navel and held on like glue! He wiggled and
shook, he kicked with all fours, but the Frog held fast, so
earthward he soars. Rudolph circled high, then came in real
slow, the Hustler vertical loomed ahead with high band and
low. The eighty meter whip snapped the Frog in the groin, he
let go of the Reindeer and hit the ice with a boing! I heard
Santa exclaim as they vanished in flight, "Merry Christmas to
all, and a great boat anchor night!"


Original: December 24, 1999

Duane Fischer, W8DBF - WPE8CXO
E-Mail: dfischer at usol.com
Hallicrafters web site: www.w9wze.net
HHRP web site: hhrp.w9wze.net