[TheForge] Fw: British Humour:(yak)(Yak) thought a few of you would enjoy this

[theron]

Message
----- Original Message -----=20
From: T. Renee=20
To: Theron Ross ; Joan Turlington ; Deb ; Barbara Wallace=20
Sent: Monday, October 13, 2003 4:16 PM
Subject: British Humour: I thought that you would enjoy this as much as =
did I.


Ya Gotta Love The British!   (Keep reading -- it gets better as you =
continue)=20
=20
 What follows is a superb example of British humour in A LETTER THAT WAS =
TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT.  The piece suggests two things:
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service =
from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator =
in  Britain).

2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.=20

 Dear Cretins:=20

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for =
your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm =
monitoring.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service =
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and =
stupidity of monolithic proportions.=20

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either =
pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these =
difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some =
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking =
B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.=20

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my =
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your =
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 =
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more =
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful =
website.  HOW?=20

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes =
-- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. =
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, =
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- =
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.=20

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 =
telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had =
requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet =
server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and =
midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still =
waiting for my telephone connection.=20

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been =
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who =
are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been =
informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me =
back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a =
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be =
transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine =
informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to =
someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. =
And several other variations on this theme.=20

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a =
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of =
those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my =
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.=20

I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy =
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, =
ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to =
delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and =
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?=20

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable =
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you =
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents =
of the highest order.  BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like =
brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly =
limitless inadequacy.=20

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest =
to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any =
potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services =
which  you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any =
such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and =
will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's =
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both =
you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not =
become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the =
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did =
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them =
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless =
employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you =
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits. =20

=20

=20



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