[SOC] Fw: TOOL DICTIONARY

[Bob Krueger]

----- Original Message ----- 
From: Bob Krueger
To: SOC post
Sent: Tuesday, January 13, 2009 2:51 PM
Subject: Fw: TOOL DICTIONARY


Submitted by bob wb9ukq


Tool Dictionary
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal 
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings 
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had 
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the 
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned 
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What 
the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes 
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor 
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, 
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your 
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. 
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense 
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of 
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable 
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the 
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood 
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after 
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly 
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off 
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known 
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible 
future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut 
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash 
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of 
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably 
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and 
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your 
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips 
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to 
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket 
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used 
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the 
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC''S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard 
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents 
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector 
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for 
slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while 
yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the 
next tool that you will need.