[SOC] KOSHER COMPUTERS

[Reicher, James]

I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase kosher
computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The
price is great, even with the shipping from Israel. I've been using one
now for several weeks and highly recommend it. However, before you
purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are
some important differences from the typical non-kosher computer you are
used to. These include: 

1) The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not
getting any younger!" button. 
2) I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. 

3) The cursor moves from right to left. 

4) When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you
can do?" 

5) When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew
you did this, she would die." 

6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that
advertises it gets rid of all the "schmutz und dreck." 

7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with me with a "You want I should
fix this?" message. 

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen". 

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday. 

10) It comes with two hard drives -- one for fleyshedik (business
software, aka "meat"), and one for milchedik (games -- "dairy"). 

11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now
gets "Ferklempt". 

12) The multimedia player has been renamed, "Nu, so play my music
already!" 

13) Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right
corner. 

14) When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Vey!"


15) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup. 

16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am
instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchis." 

17) After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 

18) Every year at Yom Kippur, the computer automatically reformats the
hard drive.

19) It automatically shuts off before Shabbos and reboots itself (kick
in hinten) after havdalah. 

20) Short Cut is really the web site of the local moyel where he does
his job in your home on your desk top. 

21) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam!