[SOC] [OT] WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! (Australia Explained)

[Ian C. Purdie]

You may have seen this before... it's been updated since the last time I saw it
and I thought it worth a chuckle.



 WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! (Australia Explained)

 WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand)
and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to
bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

 We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

 First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and
big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that
"it's livable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too
bloody cold and wet.

 Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin
books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has
more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots
are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left
and right sides of their brains separate.

 Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that
bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at
conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the
world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no
matter how often they try.

 South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners
and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so
effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of
Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when
the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

 Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to
fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to
stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and
business.

 The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep
stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids
with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the
 planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too.
Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us
live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

 And there's Queensland... While any mention of God seems silly in a document
defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably
made Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it
with dickheads remains a mystery.

 Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said the better.

 We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and
turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for
international recognition.

 Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie immigrants. We want to
make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national
attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.

 (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide??)

 We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing
race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all
the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby,AFL, roo-shooting, two- up
and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the
blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

 We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even
though we might seem a racist, closed- minded, sports-obsessed little people,
at least we feel better for it.

 I am, you are, we are Australian.