[SOC] [OT] Corny but we really need it now

[Dennis]

Ian...
Those are really funny...
Dennis VE3VG


----- Original Message -----
From: "Ian C. Purdie" <ianpurdie@integritynet.com.au>
To: "Flying Pigs" <fpqrp-l@mpna.com>; "SOC" <soc@mailman.qth.net>; "WDG"
<Wdg@wdguide.com>
Sent: Monday, March 24, 2003 3:27 AM
Subject: [SOC] [OT] Corny but we really need it now


> [From a friend - it's British humour and probably requires some thought]
>
> I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a
fast
> one".
>
> So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said,
"Eurostar?" I
> said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin."
>
> So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He
said,
> "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
>
> So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked
tablecloth.
> It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said, "You remind me of a
> pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment."
>
> But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself
> in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
>
> So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie
> Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then." I
said,
> "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're
> closest."
>
> The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said,
> "Do you get my drift?"
>
> So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a
complaint --
> this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions."
>
> So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
> carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."
>
> You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic
> converter.
>
> So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance
caller." He
> said, "Not you again."
>
> So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said,
> "Are you two an item?"
>
> So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I
thought,
> "That's a turtle disaster".
>
> Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out!  We don't want
your
> type in here"
>
> A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
> please, and one for the road."
>
> A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
> lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the
> manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
> asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
> boasting in an open foyer."
>
> A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The
> shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"
>
> I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the
next 2
> years.
>
> A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce poking from his arse.
The
> doctor examines him and says, "Is that all that's wrong with you?"  The
man
> replies "No doc..... I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg"
>
> John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he had one
made
> and sent him to work in his place while he stayed home and relaxed. Soon
this
> backfired when the clone came home and said he'd been fired for making
sexual
> comments to the women in the office. John decided, he had to get rid of
his
> clone before things got any worse. John took his clone to the top of a
tall
> building and pushed him off. Unfortunately someone saw John and he was
arrested
> and convicted for making an obscene clone fall.
>
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