[SOC] [OT] Corny but we really need it now

[Ian C. Purdie]

[From a friend - it's British humour and probably requires some thought]

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast
one".

So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I
said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said,
"How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said, "You remind me of a
pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment."

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself
in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie
Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said, "OK then." I said,
"Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're
closest."

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said,
"Do you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint --
this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He
said, "Not you again."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said,
"Are you two an item?"

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought,
"That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out!  We don't want your
type in here"

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2
years.

A man walks into the doctors with a piece of lettuce poking from his arse. The
doctor examines him and says, "Is that all that's wrong with you?"  The man
replies "No doc..... I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg"

John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So he had one made
and sent him to work in his place while he stayed home and relaxed. Soon this
backfired when the clone came home and said he'd been fired for making sexual
comments to the women in the office. John decided, he had to get rid of his
clone before things got any worse. John took his clone to the top of a tall
building and pushed him off. Unfortunately someone saw John and he was arrested
and convicted for making an obscene clone fall.