[SOC] amusing item!

[Lloyd Lachow]

Thought that this might amuse...
>
> The story behind the letter below is that there is 
this nutball in 
> Newport,
> Rhode Island, named Scott Williams, who digs things 
out of his 
> backyard and sends
> the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, 
labelling them with 
> scientific
> names, insisting that they are actual archaeological

finds. This guy 
> really
> exists and does this in his spare time!
>
> Anyway...here's the actual response from the 
Smithsonian Institution.  
> Bear
> this in mind next time you think you are challenged 
in your duty to 
> respond
> to a difficult situation in writing.
>
> 
----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Smithsonian Institute
> 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
> Washington, DC 20078
>
>
> Dear Mr. Williams:
>
> Thank you for your latest submission to the 
Institute, labelled 
> "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline 
post...Hominid skull."
>
> We have given this specimen a careful and detailed 
examination, and 
> regret to inform
> you that we disagree with your theory that it 
represents conclusive 
> proof of the
> presence of Early Man in Charleston County two 
million years ago.  
> Rather, it
> appears that what you have found is the head of a 
Barbie doll, of the 
> variety that one of our staff, who has small 
children, believes to be 
> "Malibu Barbie."
>
> It is evident that you have given a great deal of 
thought to the 
> analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite 
certain that those of 
> us who are familiar with your prior work in the 
field were loathe to 
> come to contradiction with your findings.  However, 
we do feel that 
> there are a number of physical attributes of the 
specimen which might 
> have tipped you off to its modern origin:
>
> 1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid 
remains are 
> typically fossilised bone.
>
> 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is 
approximately 9 cubic 
> centimetres, well below the threshold of even the 
earliest identified 
> proto-homonids.
>
> 3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is 
more consistent with 
> the
> common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous

man-eating 
> Pliocene
> clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that 
time.
>
> This latter finding (No. 3) is certainly one of the 
most intriguing 
> hypotheses you have submitted in your history with 
this institution, 
> but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily 
against it.  Without 
> going into too much detail, let us say that:
>
>    A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie 
doll that a dog has 
> chewed on.
>
>    B. Clams don't have teeth.
>
> It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we 
must deny your 
> request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is 
partially due to 
> the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal 
operation, and partly 
> due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in 
fossils of recent 
> geologic record.  To the best of our knowledge, no 
Barbie dolls were 
> produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is 
likely to produce 
> wildly inaccurate results.
>
> Sadly, we must also deny your request that we 
approach the National 
> Science
> Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of 
assigning your 
> specimen
> the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.  
Speaking 
> personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the 
acceptance of your 
> proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down 
because the species 
> name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really 
sound like it 
> might be Latin.
>
> However, we gladly accept your generous donation of 
this fascinating 
> specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not 
a Hominid fossil, 
> it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of 
the great body of 
> work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. 
You should know that 
> our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own

office for the 
> display of the specimens you have previously 
submitted to the 
> Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily 
on what you will 
> happen upon next in your digs at the site you have 
discovered in your 
> Newport back yard.
>
> We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's 
capital that you 
> proposed in your last letter, and several of us are 
pressing the 
> Director to pay for it.  We are particularly 
interested in hearing you 
> expand on your theories surrounding the 
trans-positating fillifitation 
> of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes 
the excellent 
> juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently 
discovered take on the 
> deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman

automotive 
> crescent wrench.
>
> Yours in Science,
>
> Harvey Rowe
> Chief Curator-Antiquities


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