[SOC] Scientific "Truth in Advertising" Warnings

[soc@mailman.qth.net]

An other one .. for your Saturday Evening ;o))

Claude, F5PBL

http://www.qsl.net/f5pbl

DIG #4451 - FISTS #7722 - FP #383 - SOC #503 - 10-X #71724

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by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
(Stolen Without Permission from Journal of anillegiblycopiedtitle)


WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.


WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the Universe, 
including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the 
product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.


CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million 
tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.


HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, 
and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.


ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a 
process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its 
present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including 
your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any 
damages or inconvenience that may result.


COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles(electrons, protons, etc.) 
comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as 
those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary 
may legitimately be expressed or implied.


CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for 
the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is 
and how fast it is moving.


NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by 
a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power 
cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed.


ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the 
consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 
99.999999999999% empty space.


HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged 
particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles her hour.


READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of a 
grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay 
to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.


PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner 
whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no 
liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will 
ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.


NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be 
entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional, with legal rights above 
and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new 
dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small area that they cannot be detected.


IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this 
product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should 
another universe subsequently emerge, the existence of this product in that 
universe cannot be guaranteed.


PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is 
not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only 
in a vague and undetermined state.


THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise 
should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.