[Qcwa] Holiday jokes

[Jim Williams, Sr. - K6HIO]

>From Jeffery D.  Angus

	Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter holiday, practiced within the
most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with
respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their
own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;
plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race,
creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishers.
	Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.  It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional
stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit

Jeff
wa6fwi
-- 
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary  safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety." Benjamin Franklin
"A life lived in fear is a life half lived." Tara Morice as Fran, from the
movie "Strictly Ballroom"
===========
>From Larry Staples

Jeff, you neglected to add:

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or
unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient,
any dissemination,distribution or copying of this email is not authorized
(either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux
pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or
grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission
of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let
me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be
gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this
warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.  However,
by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself, you will fend off the
all of the evil cyber-spirits.

73 and Merry Christmas,
Larry, W0AIB
========
>From BJ Clute
Subject: Company Christmas Party

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
	I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
	In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
	Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but,
don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be
anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts
will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement
for the gay men's table.

Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
--------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
	People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
	Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar
only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings,
too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
right now... Ha!
	I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell
-------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
	I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
============
>From Bob MacKay

	Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all
together they had a staggering 50 cents between them.
	Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - he went to the next butchers shop
and came out with one large Sausage.
	Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all'
	Mick: 'Don't worry - just follow me' - and went into the next pub where he
immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's
	Paul: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in  we
haven't got any money!!'
	Mick: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers'  They had their drinks. 
Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go  on
your knees and put it in your mouth.
	Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub after pub after pub, getting more and  more
drunk - all for free.
	At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any 
longer - I am pissed and my knees are killing me
	Mick: 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub'
------------
Bits of Wisdom

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.. A pessimist fears
that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; how ever, death doesn't get worse every
year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever--So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped
laughing.
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A Llittle Western State Hospital Humor:

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
Dementia - I Think I'll be Home for Christmas.
Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and.....
Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming to Get me!
Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell You Why...
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,    Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
------------
A DOCTOR'S LIFE

 	A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going  to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff,  rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, 
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I  noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the  wrong one. -  Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio,
TX

	At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope  on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's  anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed.  "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. - 
 Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

	One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I   told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive   myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later,   I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that   he had died of
a "massive internal fart." - Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
 
	I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye
with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a
flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done
exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I
was laughing too hard to finish the exam. - Dr. Matthew Theodropolous,
Worcester, MA
 
	During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had
him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one. - Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
 
	While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why,
not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive." - Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR
 
	I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's our breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and
the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." - Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit, MI
 
	A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient
had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she
was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
=========
	A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new  sweetheart.
As they had not been dating very long, after some careful  consideration, he
decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike  just the right note
- romantic, but not too personal.
	Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine  department
store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The  sister did her
own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While  the clerk was
wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the  gloves to the
sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.
	The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his 
sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:
	"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing 
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I 
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the 
short ones she wears that are easier to remove.
	These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the 
pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly 
soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.
	I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other 
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you  again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them  away, as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
	Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope 
you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. (P.S... The latest
style is to wear them folded down with a little fur  showing!)
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This is really cute, wait for it to load, then click on each reindeer to turn
on and off, plus you can click on Santa and turn him on and off.   Make sure
your sound is turned up.  Enjoy! and Happy Holidays. 
http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf 
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