[OFARC] Fwd: How To Sound Like a Lid

[Geoff]

-------- Forwarded Message --------
Subject: 	How To Sound Like a Lid
Date: 	Tue, 06 Jan 2015 21:25:08 -0600
From: 	Geoff



Although, this speaks to talking on FM repeaters, and so forth, the
'general' statement applies to anyone behind the mic of -any- Ham Radio
transmitter/transceiver.


HOW TO SOUND LIKE A LID
by Rusty Bumpers, N4LID

In many areas I have noticed a tendency of people making a distinct
effort to sound like a "LID" on the local repeater. Since this appears
to be the new style in Amateur Radio, I thought I would present this
incomplete guide to radio LID-dom. The following is what I call: "How to
sound like a Lid in one easy lesson."

1) Use as many Q signals as possible. Yes, I know they were invented
solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two-meter FM, but
they're fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what you
really meant. For example, "I'm going to QSY to the kitchen." Can you
really change frequency to the kitchen? QSL used to mean "I am
acknowledging receipt," but now it appears to mean "yes" or "OK." I
guess I missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning.

2) Never laugh, when you can say "hi hi." No one will ever know you
aren't a long time CW ragchewer if you don't tell them. They'll think
you've been on since the days of Marconi.

3) Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like "destinated" and
"negatory." It's OK to make up your own words here. "Yeah Bill, I
pheelbart zaphonix occasionally myself."

4) Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D." As mentioned in
Step One, anything that creates redundancy is always encouraged. That's
why we have the Department of Redundancy Department. (Please note that
you can follow your call with "for identification purposes" instead of
"for I.D." While taking longer to say, it is worth more "LID points".

5) The better the copy on the repeater, the more you should use
phonetics. Names should be especially used if they are short or common
ones. I.E. "My name is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet Alpha Charlie
Kilo." If at all possible use the less common HF phonetics "A4SM...
America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico." And for maximum "LID points", make
up unintelligible phonetics. "My name is Bob... Billibong Oregano
Bumperpool."

6) Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or has been)
in the group, whether they are still there or not. While this has been
unnecessary for years, it is still a great memory test. You may also use
"and the group" if you are an "old timer" or just have a bad memory.
Extra points for saying everyone's call and then clearing in a silly way
- like "This is K2xxx, Chow, Chow."

7) Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps people
guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation", and vice-versa.
And even if the amplifier you're using is a Class C type amp, and thus
not biased for linear amplification, be sure to call it your "linear."
Heck, refer to all FM-style amplifiers as "linears." You'll be king of
the "wrong terminology" hill. Or better yet, refer to them as "lin-e-yars."

8) If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn, taking as long
as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible, pass it around a
few times first. This will discourage the breaker, and if it is an
emergency, encourage him to switch to another repeater and not bother you.

9) Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to sign
out. Never let him get by with a yes or no answer. Make it a question
that will take a long time to answer.

10) The less you know about a subject, the more you should speculate
about it on the air. The amount of time spent on your speculations
should be inversely proportional to your knowledge of the subject.

11) If someone on the repeater is causing interference, you should talk
about that person at great length, making sure to comment on at least
four out of six of the following: (1) His mental state; (2) His family;
(3) His intelligence, or lack of same; (4) His sexual preference; (5)
His relationship to small animals, his mother, or both; (6) His other
methods of self entertainment.

12) If you hear two amateurs start a conversation on the repeater, wait
until they are 20 seconds into their contact, and then break-in to use
the patch. Make sure that it's only a simple routine phone call. It's
also very important that you run the autopatch for the full three
minutes. This way, once the two re-establish contact, they won't even
remember what they were talking about.

13) You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a visiting
amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure you break-in with
your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version. This is
most effective if several other Lid trainees join in, each with a
different route. By the time the amateur wanting directions unscrambles
all the street names whizzing around in his head, he should have mobiled
out of range of the repeater. This keeps you from having to stick around
and help the guy get back out of town later.

14) Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing others
from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your quest is to make
people so sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on their
radio, they'll move to another frequency. This way you'll lighten the
load on the repeater, leaving even more time for you to talk on it.

15) See just how much mobile flutter you can generate by operating at
handheld power levels too far from the repeater. Engage people in
converations when you know they won't be able to copy half of what
you're saying. Even when they say you are uncopyable, continue to string
them along by making further transmissions. See just how frustrated you
can make the other amateur before he finally signs off in disgust.

16) Give out wacky radio advice. When a newcomer's signal is weak into
the repeater, tell him he can correct the problem by adjusting the
volume and squelch knobs on his radio. Or tell people they're full
quieting except for the white noise on their signal. Or....well, you get
the idea.

17) Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel important
using words average people don't say. Who cares if it makes you sound
like you just fell off of Channel 19 on the Citizen's Band? Use phases
such as "Roger on that," "10-4," "I'm on the side," "You're making the
trip," and "Negatory on that."

18) Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you can make your
audio. Make sure the audio gain is so high that other amateurs can hear
any bugs crawling on your floor. If mobile, make sure the wind noise is
loud enough that others have to strain to pick your words out from all
the racket.

19) Be as verbose as possible. Never say "yes" when you can say "He
acquiesced in the affirmative by saying 'yes'." (No kidding, I actually
heard that one.)

20) Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or "QSL." Sure, you
don't need to acknowledge that you received the other transmission in
full. After all, you would simply ask for a repeat if you missed
something. But consider it your gift to the other amateur to give him
solace every few seconds that his transmissions are being received.

21) When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say you're
"listening" or "monitoring" multiple times. I've always found that at
least a half dozen times or so is good. Repeating your multiple
"listening" IDs every 10 to 15 seconds is even better. Those people who
didn't want to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping you'll go
away after you have finally made a contact.

22) Give out repeater FM signal reports using the HF SSB R-S system
("You're 5 by 9 here"). Sure it's considered improper for FM operation
and you may even confuse some people, but don't let that spoil your fun!

23) Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other station easily
on simplex -- especially if you can make the contact on simplex. The
coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely proportional to
your distance from the other station.

24) If you and the other station are both within a mile or two of the
repeater you are using, you should always give a signal report. ("I'm
sitting under the repeater and I know you can see it from there, but
you're full quieting into the repeater. How about me?")

25) In the same vein as the previous step, when monitoring a repeater,
you should always give signal reports as if the repeater didn't exist.
("Yep, I'm right under the repeater. You've got a whopping signal.
You're S-9 plus 60. That must be a great rig.")

26) On repeaters with courtesy tones, you should always say "over."
Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know when you have unkeyed,
but don't let that stop you. Say "over," "back to you," or "go ahead."
It serves no useful purpose, but don't worry -- it's still fun.

27) Think up interesting and bizarre things to do to tie-up the
repeater. The goal here is not to facilitate communications, but to
entertain all the scanner listeners out there. Do something original.
Try to hum CTCSS (PL) tones. Sing pager tones. You're getting the idea.

28) Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine calls. While
pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll be
there in two minutes. Or call your spouse to complain about the bad day
you had at work. After all, the club has "measured rate" service on
their phone line, so they get charged for each autopatch call. Your
endeavor is to make so many patches in a year that you cost the club at
least $20 in phone bills. That way you'll feel you got your money's
worth for your dues.

29) Never say "My name is....". It makes you sound human. If at all
possible, use one of the following phrases: A) "The personal here
is...." B) "The handle here is...." Normally, handles are for suitcases,
but it's OK to use them anyway. Don't forget, this has worked just fine
for CBers for years. The best retort I ever heard: "My handle is pink,
my name is..."

30) Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both are already considered plural,
but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say "best of 73's" or "88's". Who cares
if it means "best regards" and "love and kisses." Better yet, say
"seventy thirds"! Or be funny and say "seventy turds." Or talk like a
1960s CBer and sign off with "Threeeeeeees to ya!". (By the way, 70
thirds equals about 23.3, the average CBers IQ.)

31) Make people think you have a split personality by referring to
yourself in the plural sense. When you're in conversation and are alone
at your radio, always say "We're" or "We've" instead of "I'm" or "I've"
(i.e. "we've been doing this...", "we're doing that...", "we're clear").
Everyone knows you're by yourself, but when they ask you who is with
you, make up somebody important like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Bill Clinton.

32) Always attempt to use the higher functions of the repeater before
you have read the directions. Nothing will work, but you'll have great
fun and get lots of people to give you advice.

33) Test repeater functions repeatedly (that's why they call it a
repeater). Test your signal strength from the same location several
times every day. Concentrate on testing the things that really matter,
like the number of time the repeater has been keyed-up. That stuff is
fun to track. Test the outside temperature, or the transmitter heat sink
termperature as often as possible. The farther the temperature goes from
the norms, the more often you should test it. Also, if you get a pager
set to the repeater's output frequency, as soon as you receive it set it
off every 30 seconds or so until the battery runs down. Better yet,
interrupt conversations to test it.

34) If the repeater is off the air for service, complain about the fact
that it was off the air as soon as it's turned back on. Act as though
your entire day has been ruined because that one repeater wasn't
available when you wanted to use it. Even thought you have never donated
a penny to help out with the upkeep of it, and despite the fact that you
have all 42 local repeaters programmed into your mobile radio.

35) Find ways to get around the "no business" rule on autopatches. Your
plan is to try and fool the repeater control operators. Invent code
words your secretary at work will understand to disguise any business
talk so it sounds like personal chatter. Or get to be friends with the
local Domino's Pizza manager. Make it so that when you call him on the
patch and ask him to bring over the "floppy disk" you need to your
house, he shows-up 30 minutes later with a piping hot large pepperoni
and sausage pie. The possibilities are endless....

36) Always make sure you try to communicate with only a handheld and a
rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you work through a repeater that
you can hear very well, but it cannot hear you. This will put out a kind
of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the repeater just fine
here. I wonder why it can't hear me?" You will score maximum LID points
if you are mobile, and with the radio lying in the passenger seat.

37) If an annoying station is bothering you, make sure your other "LID"
buddies have a "coded" frequency list. Even though "CODES" are strictly
forbidden on Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice "James Bond"
tactics.

38) Always use the National Calling Frequency for general conversations.
The more uninteresting, the longer you should use it. Extra points are
awarded if you have recently move from an adjacent frequency for no
reason. Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525 that you hang out
there and talk to your friends five miles down the road about the good
old CB days!

39) Make sure that if you have a personal problem with someone, you
should voice your opinion in a public forum, especially a net. Make sure
you give their name, call, and any other identifying remarks. For
maximum points, make sure the person in question is not on the repeater,
or not available.

40) Make sure you say the first few words of each transmission twice,
especially if it is the same thing each time. Like "roger, roger" or
"fine business, fine business". I cannot stress enough about encouraging
redundancy.

41) If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in and ask how
each station is receiving you. Of course they will only see the signal
of the repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment when you can
find a fellow "LID", and get the report. Extra points are awarded if you
are using a base station, and the repeater is less than five air miles
from you.

These easy steps should put you well on your way to "LID-Hood". I hope
these helpful hints will save you some time in your quest to sound like
the perfect "LID". I should also note that these steps can also apply to
simplex operation, but nobody really cares because that pawn-shop
HTX-202 isn't going to get out too far with just a rubber duck.

73,

Rusty Bumpers, N4LID

P.S. "Rusty Bumpers" is a pen name. He maintains anonymity so he can sit
peacefully at club meetings and avoid the wrath (and breath) of the
uninformed.





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