[Ham-Computers] A Happy Halli-Day Holiday To All!

[Duane Fischer, W8DBF]

Thanks to all of you for sharing your bits of wisdom about computers with 
those of us who had a question that needed to be answered. It is because you 
care and share that this list continues to be a real wealth of treasure for 
those of us in need!

Although this tale has very little to do with computers as such, it is radio 
related and hopefully amusing for a holiday evening reading break.

     It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Santa On A Handheld!


                                  By Duane B. Fischer, W8DBF



     "Yo fellow Hams, this is NP11RED calling CQ CQ CQ from
the North Pole. How copy?

     The WX here is colder than a Seal's rump after sitting
on the frozen pond just north of Santa's greenhouse having
used it to melt a hole in the ice to do some fishing! The
wind is howling louder than Mrs.  Claus pet Siberian
Cat, Snowball, after she got her twenty-eight inch tail
caught in the pretzel twisting machine! Her tail is a lot
shorter now that it looks like a sine wave! The snow is
falling faster than the share prices on the stock market did
when the wire services broke the story about Burger Kingdom
getting busted by the FDA for flame broiling their burgers
with military surplus jet turbine engines burning Kentucky
Moonshine! All this time you thought that odd taste to the
beef paddy was because of them using recycled catsup
recovered from the dumpster behind Windy's!

     It is just the perfect WX for Santa, my eight Reindeer
compatriots and I to hoof it up, up and away to deliver some
toys to good little girls and boys! In case you are living on
a desolate island with no calendar, it is Christmas Eve 2005!
Over. Over.  NP11RED standing by."

     "Herbie, Herbie NP11RED, this is NP22FTS. Q5 all the
way, full quieting, good copy OM. I'll be at Santa's QTH just
as soon as I finish running down the two teenage males I'm
thumpety thump thumping in pursuit of.  They tried to flatten
my XYL Crystal by running over her with one of those super
charged snowmobiles! Fortunately Jack Frost was nearby
programming his amphibious snow generator for the traditional
magical snow of Christmas eve and Christmas morn, saw them
and blew a blast of his icy breath underneath the driver's
punk rock putrid pink woven ski hat freezing both ears more
solid than a Fruitsicle that has spent too much time lying on
a block of frozen Carbon Dioxide, or dry ice. I think I can
break off pursuit now Rudolph, they are headed for the
Canadian Mounties horse barn manure pile! They won't be hard
to spot, since the one punk's ears both fell off and the
other punk picked them up and put them in his snowmobile suit
glove pocket!  Keep my seat cold NP11RED, NP22FTS clear and
thumping your way."

     "Herbie, Herbie NP22FTS, AKA North Pole #22 Frosty The
Snowman. Don't worry OM, after a visit to that manure pile
anyone with a working nose can track those  filament fried
punks direct to their QTH! I'm going to go QRT as it is time
for the Sunday December 25th HHI 20 meter Christmas Day pre-
Net at 12:45 PM EST, or 1745 UTC.  Remember Frosty, the Net
proper starts at 1:15 PM EST, or 1815 UTC. So QSY with VFO #1
to the Sleigh operating frequency and keep the dual watch on
and VFO #2 on 14.293 MHZ usb +/- for "key clicks, mike
splatter and the sound of ... That ain't frozen snowflakes
dancing on my roof! And Frosty, please to use the waterproof
digital pocket watch with the large number display that Santa
gave you, not your sun dial! Remember it is dark for six
months of the year here and the sun dial doesn't work with no
sunlight!"

     "Ya gotta love that mixed bag of partly crazy and partly
amazing blind dude that runs the HHI Nets!  NP11RED, AKA
North Pole #11 Rudolph Eliminates Doubters is clear and QSY.
73's all, and to all a good flight!"

     "Are you sure that one hundred and five microwaveable
cheeseburger deluxe with extra onions and dill pickles is
going to be enough Santa?" "Yes momma. Remember that those
people from that medical ship the USS Hope told me that if I
wanted to live another five hundred years I had to cut down
on the animal fats, increase my vegetable portions and double
my fiber intake?" Mrs. Claus smiled. "Since when did Santa
Claus start taking orders from anyone?" Santa grinned so wide
that he nearly split a lip! "Did you see that nurse, I think
she was the dietician?" Mrs. Claus set the bright red
Delicious apple she had been polishing with her apron down on
the cupboard. "See her? No. But the way you are smiling Santa
I'll bet she is the same one who is in that digital photo on
your desk that looks like the Playboy centerfold for
December!" Santa grinned that grin that would calm a volcano
about to belch molten lava and cremate a forest!  "Yep! But I
am taking her advice so I can keep all those perverted Elves
with a crush on you away for the next half of a century! Ho!
Ho! Ho!" "Really? Then get your hand out of that cookie jar
before I put some lumps on your head with this rolling pin!
Now get going and have a good flight.  Remember to stay
out of those no fly zones over the Middle East this year, ok?
I don't want you coming back with singed eyebrows and the
spare sleigh runner shot off by some heat seeking missile
this Christmas!"

     Santa kissed her, picked up the lunchbox and staggered
toward the door. "Are you using Texas Toast for
my burgers? This thing weighs a ton!" Mrs. Claus chuckled.
"Between the 105 burgers, ten pounds of assorted cookies, one
peck of Delicious apples, eight pounds each of carrot and
celery sticks with five pounds of bean dip with hot sauce,
twenty gallons of hot chocolate and the Lead lining the
picnic basket to keep it radiation proof, you can bet your
chubby buns it is heavy! You need the exercise Santa, so stop
grumbling and start gift giving!"

     So tune the Sleigh Net in tomorrow, Christmas Sunday,
and hear Santa NP01Claus, NP03rednose, Rudolph and all the
other Reindeer and toy delivery specialists live. Have a
Merry Christmas one and all and to all of you, get some sleep
tonight and pray nobody collects on our flight insurance
policies! 73's and 88's, NP11RED is QRT."


Original: December 22, 2005
Copyright December 2005 by Duane B. Fischer, W8DBF


Duane Fischer, W8DBF - WPE8CXO
E-Mail: dfischer at usol.com
Hallicrafters web site: www.w9wze.net
HHRP web site: hhrp.w9wze.net