[TheForge] OT instructions

[schade at acegroup.cc]

  December 26, 2007

'Twas the Day After Christmas
By NED CRABB
December 26, 2007; Page D6

The following instructions, coffee-stained and torn, were found in a 
box amid a jumble of tools and mechanical parts on the sidewalk outside 
a Manhattan apartment building along with discarded trees and other 
holiday trash. Just visible inside the box was a gift tag that read 
"Merry Christmas to Johnny. Love, Mom and Dad."

Congratulations! You are the lucky owner of the Model ZVZ156 Vangplotz 
High-Digenation Wide-Scringe Framulator, Series 7000, with fernillated 
quick-response Worzel and 20,000 zurlebytes of scringe-view quorms. 
Follow these simple instructions and soon you will enjoy untold hours 
of pleasure.

IMPORTANT: Begin by lifting out the plune-wrapped section marked 
"Lithinode Distrillitor" and refer to the blue-colored 
picrochit-regulator intensity chart on the side. If the chart has the 
fuchsia-colored code BRZ3434, your unit requires an AC4(x2z3) power 
influrger. Extract the influrger pack from the distrillitor's 
surge-protection splange and check the code. If you have an AC5(x3z4) 
influrger instead of an AC4(x2z3) model, or if the intensity chart is 
colored burnt orange instead of blue, then call your local Vangplotz 
"Speedy Geek" home service provider at 1-800-UONHOLD. (WARNING: If the 
intensity chart is colored silver with pink stripes, then your 
distrillitor must be activated in person by a Vangplotz lithinode 
technician within 48 to 72 hours. Vangplotz service centers are 
conveniently located in the Yellow Dog, Ala., industrial campus and the 
six-story Grendel Mall-City in Frozen Badger, N.D.)

Next, lift out the tray marked "Tools" and check the inclusions against 
the following list:

One 7¾-inch extenulator

Two packages of ¾-inch fribbets

Four packages of 1½-inch fribbets

One six-jointed revolving spangler

One Spurgel-head grommel

Six fandles

One swigel-headed flonge

One multi-pronged grallup

One soft-COR elasticized squiller

Unpack the main components: Scringe, MO-DOR qualblanz scrambler, 
disk-o-later insertion whindler, zagenator, gridger board, Wooflang 
biceptor, varnicle inhibitor, Worzel.

Remove plune-wrapping from the scringe. Using the 7¾-inch extenulator, 
calibrate the number of inches spanning the scringe-gripper aperture on 
the MO-DOR scrambler. The ZVZ156 scringe must have a 14-inch aperture 
to successfully interflex with the MO-DOR picrochits. If the aperture 
exceeds 14 inches, insert and turn the soft-COR elasticized squiller. 
Upon completion proceed to:

STEP 1:

First, insert the lithinode distrillitor pack into the scringe under 
the panel marked Varnicle Reflexelator Chamber. A flinged graffler at 
the bottom of the chamber will connect the distrillitor to the 
varnicle. Next, lower the scringe into the MO-DOR scringe-gripper 
aperture using the swigel-headed flonge to secure it onto the varnicle 
nodes, which conduct 20-zilihurtz magnifiers to the varnicles. Use the 
multipronged grallup to secure the pink wooplers to the orange varnicle 
nodes and the four triple-pronged green wires to the varnicle 
inhibitor. WARNING: Even one woopler-varnicle node misconnection will 
cause xurls to disrupt the scringe-view quorms once the framulator is 
plugged in.

STEP 2:

On the gridger board, align the zagenator, whindler and biceptor units 
2.725 inches apart, calibrating the distance with the extenulator. 
Place the gridger board on top of the units and secure with 1½-inch 
fribbets using the revolving spangler. Stabilize the units by 
installing fandles using 1½-inch fribbets.

Go carefully; this is a narrow space: Attach the Spurgel-head grommel 
onto the wronchle prong of the multi-pronged grallup and position it 
directly over a fribbet.

Next, extend the revolving spangler to the fourth joint, attach the 
bludgger head and release the sping-grip. With your left hand, 
carefully lower the spangler and clamp the sping-grip around the 
grommel handle while turning the spangler speed valve to "rapid" with 
your right, and pressing the oscillator button with your other hand.

THIS CONCLUDES PART 1

Mr. Crabb is a writer in New York.
 
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