[TheForge] Ivan the Terrible

[Phlip]

Ene bichizh ogsen baina shuu...

> Yeah, but our hands don't freeze to the anvil in the winter.
>
> Murf
> Tallahassee, FL

Maybe not, but I understand that your hospitality's being worn out. Here's a
letter from some of your fellow Floridians ;-)

Dear Ivan:

Hey, how's it going out there near Barbados? Listen, lots of us here
in Florida have been talking about your scheduled visit. Now, please
don't take this the wrong way. We like spectacular forces of nature
as well as the next guy. We realize that Florida and hurricanes go
together like country music and drunken driving. We don't want to
mess with tradition.

And we know you hurricanes recharge the aquifers, provide an
exhilarating break in the stifling heat of late summer, and give
neighbors a chance to bond. The economic boost you give to Home Depot
alone is enough to make up for whatever inconvenience is to be
expected.

So normally you would be as welcome as a gang of Harley riders during
Bike Week. But may I say that this year the timing of your tentatively
scheduled arrival seems less than ideal.

You know that visitors start to wear out their welcome after a few
days.  And too many visitors in a row can also wear down a
host and hostess.  That, I'm sorry to say, is pretty much the position
we Floridians find ourselves in just now. Your cousin Charley blew
through a few weeks ago and, to be blunt, he was less than mannerly.
He zoomed in like a hyperactive toddler, leaving the proverbial path
of destruction, except that it was no proverb. And then he was gone
without so much as a see-ya-later. Charley was a leave-wet-towels-on-
the-floor, never-pick-up-a-tab kind of guest. He inspired some
grumbling, and picking up after him has been a real chore. You
should have seen Punta Gorda, Port Charlotte, Arcadia and Wauchula. At
least Charley didn't stay long.

But just when we were starting to get things almost back to normal,
Frances sauntered in. I don't mean to be crass, but she was HUGE. When
she hung around the state, she hung around the state, you know what I
mean? And you know how some guests just don't leave?  That's Frances.
Even when we were looking at our watches and yawning and singing "The
Party's Over" she just stayed and stayed. Some of us who hadn't
really rolled out the red carpet for Charley decided to prepare a lot
more for Frances, and maybe we just tired ourselves out. And then she
stalled and arrived late, which is always irritating. She wasn't
as wild as Charley, I'll admit.

Those rumors about Frances possibly becoming a Category 5 turned out
to be overblown hype. But she just sort of oozed through. I went to
bed Sunday night and woke up thinking she'd be long gone at last, but
she was still here Monday morning!

So a lot of us here are thinking that enough is enough for one year.
Actually, the experience of almost back-to-back hurricanes has some
people talking about canceling hurricane season entirely. Don't
worry.  Floridians won't go that far. But we may consider moving
hurricane season to a nicer time of year. I know hurricanes like it
hot, but doing without air conditioning would be a lot nicer in
November, or maybe March, so as not to interfere with football season.
I mean, did you see where Frances actually caused the postponement of
a Gator football game?

People will put up with a lot, but let's be reasonable here. Some are
saying we should limit the number of hurricanes allowed into Florida
in one year. There might be some debate about whether the limit
should be one or two, but there is wide agreement that three is too
many.

So, Ivan, here's the point: Florida's famous hospitality is pretty
much tapped out just now. Our enthusiasm for big winds and rains, and
for TV reporters gushing forth with excited descriptions of it all,
has bogged down like a riding lawn mower in the swamp that used
to be my back yard.

As I said, it is nothing personal, Ivan, but what would you say to
making alternate travel plans? I understand that Mexico is lovely this
time of year.

Love,
Floridians

#####################################################
Saint Phlip,
CoD

"When in doubt, heat it up and hit it with a hammer."
 Blacksmith's credo.

 If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is probably not a
cat.

Never a horse that cain't be rode,
And never a rider who cain't be throwed....