[TheForge] British Humour

[Larry and Pat Brown]

>
>Subject: British Humour: I thought that you would enjoy this as much as did I.
>
>
>Ya Gotta Love The British!   (Keep reading -- it gets better as you continue)
>
>  What follows is a superb example of British humour in A LETTER THAT WAS 
> TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT.  The piece suggests two things:
>1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from 
>their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in  Britain).
>
>2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
>
>  Dear Cretins:
>
>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 
>four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.
>
>During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service 
>which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and 
>stupidity of monolithic proportions.
>
>Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue 
>your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or 
>more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading 
>material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking 
>vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
>
>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my 
>spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your 
>technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes 
>listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying 
>Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.  HOW?
>
>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- 
>an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The 
>rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although 
>the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a 
>drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
>
>Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone 
>calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it 
>-- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is 
>roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through 
>Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone 
>connection.
>
>I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been 
>unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, 
>it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that 
>a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will 
>be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is 
>available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone 
>(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your 
>office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been 
>redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other 
>variations on this theme.
>
>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a 
>thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of 
>those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
>
>Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my 
>frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>
>Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
>I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy 
>piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, 
>could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to 
>delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and 
>because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
>
>How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable 
>dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you 
>truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents 
>of the highest order.  BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like 
>brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly 
>limitless inadequacy.
>
>Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest 
>to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any 
>potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services 
>which  you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any 
>such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and 
>will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
>
>I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's 
>litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both 
>you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become 
>desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of 
>posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not 
>experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the 
>very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
>
>Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you 
>irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.