[TheForge] Fw: British Humour:(yak)(Yak) thought a few of you would enjoy this

Thu Oct 16 03:09:01 2003

That'd be spelt "Cholmondley", actually.

Rich.

> -----Original Message-----
> From: [email protected]
> [mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of gblacksmith
> Sent: 16 October 2003 04:39
> To: [email protected]
> Subject: Re: [TheForge] Fw: British Humour:(yak)(Yak) thought a few of
> you would enjoy this
>
>
> Theron:  What a hoot!  have you heard the anecdote about Ian and Trevor,
> members of a VERY proper British polo club?  Well......
>
> Ian:  I say, Trevor, Have you heard that Chumley has had an
> affair with his
> horse?
>
> Travor:  Oh really, is it a mare?
>
> Ian:        OF COURSE!.....Chumley's not GAY old man!
>
>
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "theron" <[email protected]>
> To: <[email protected]>
> Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2003 11:06 PM
> Subject: [TheForge] Fw: British Humour:(yak)(Yak) thought a few
> of you would
> enjoy this
>
>
> Message
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: T. Renee
> To: Theron Ross ; Joan Turlington ; Deb ; Barbara Wallace
> Sent: Monday, October 13, 2003 4:16 PM
> Subject: British Humour: I thought that you would enjoy this as
> much as did
> I.
>
>
> Ya Gotta Love The British!   (Keep reading -- it gets better as you
> continue)
>
>  What follows is a superb example of British humour in A LETTER THAT WAS
> TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT.  The piece suggests two things:
> 1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from
> their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in
> Britain).
>
> 2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
>
>  Dear Cretins:
>
> I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
> four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
> monitoring.
>
> During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
> which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
> stupidity of monolithic proportions.
>
> Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
> your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or
> more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
> material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
>
> My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
> spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
> technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
> listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
> Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.  HOW?
>
> I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
> minutes --
> an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
> rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
> although the
> technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a
> drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
>
> Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
> calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested
> it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's
> downtime is
> roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
> Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
> connection.
>
> I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
> unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,
> it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been
> informed that a
> telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that
> I will be
> transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
> available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
> (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
> office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
> redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
> variations on this theme.
>
> Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
> thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
> those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
>
> Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
> frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
>
> Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
>
> I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the
> holy piss-pot
> of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
> more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
> to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
> anyone else is there?
>
> How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
> dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
> truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
> incompetents of
> the highest order.  BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
> beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
> inadequacy.
>
> Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
> foolhardy quest to
> receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease
> any potential
> future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which  you have
> so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such
> activity will
> be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be
> replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
>
> I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
> cat's litter
> tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
> your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
> posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
> very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
>
> Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you
> irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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