[TheForge] Fw: Tool Guide

[Phlip]

Merry Christmas, guys, and enjoy ;-) My mother strikes again ;-)




Phlip

 If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is probably not a
cat.

Never a horse that cain't be rode,
And never a rider who cain't be throwed....

> >HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> >used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
> >the object we are trying to hit.
> >MECHANIC�S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> >cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> >on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
> >ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
> >their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
> >drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
> >to the rear wheel.
> >PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> >HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> >principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> >motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> >dismal your future becomes.
> >VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available,
> >they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to  the palm of
> >your hand.
> >OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> >objects in your garage on fire.   Also handy for igniting the grease
> >inside a brake drum you�re trying to get the bearing race out of.
> >WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> >motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or �
> >socket you�ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
> >WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
> >under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint
> >whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
> >say, �Ouc....�
> >HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
> >you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
> >handle firmly under the front fender.
> >EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
> >off a hydraulic jack.
> >TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
> >PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
> >floor jack.
> >SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Commonly useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
> >mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
> >E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
> >is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
> >TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
> >
> >TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> >strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
> >disconnect.
> >CRAFTSMAN � x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
> >inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> >without the handle.
> >BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
> >from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
> >your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you  thought.
> >AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
> >TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic�s own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a
> >drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, �the sunshine vitamin,�
> >which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night.  Health
> >benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
> >about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
> >say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark
> >than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
> >PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> >paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> >as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
> >AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> >power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> >travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> >bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
> >them off.
> >PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> >bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> >HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses � inch too short.
> >SPANNER WRENCH:  a bedeviling wrench that causes you to improvise with a
> >pair of Craftsman needle-nose (see NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS) freeing you up to
> >waste several hours attempting to get the Spanner nut off but breaking
> >the needle-nose and causing you to drive 3 times to 3 different Sears
> >stores to replace them.  You forget to buy a Spanner Wrench while you�re
> >there each time.
> >SNAP RING PLIERS:  see SPANNER WRENCH.  Causes all above the same
> >effects with the addition of finally getting the ring off, but at 450
> >mph straight into left eye.
> >NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS:  see SPANNER WRENCH and SNAP RING PLIERS. Useful for
> >breaking while attempting to remove spanner nuts and snap rings.