[SOC] Off Topic : Tommy Cooper One-Liners

[John Davies]

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. 

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off. 

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.'  The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.' 

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'. 

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'. 

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. 

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners 

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite. 

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. 
So I went, and I got it.' 

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. 
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.