[SOC] Quotes

[Kevin Rock]

  1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in 
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author 
Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a 
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group 
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable 
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the 
end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an 
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even 
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat 
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they 
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day 
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the 
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to 
teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal 
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." 
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my 
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow 
learner." --Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York 
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold 
enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators 
would be dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and 
that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you 
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. 
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren 
Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." 
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of 
Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least 
they can find Afghanistan." A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a 
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" 
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was 
taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
  


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