[SOC] Dear Alcohol

[Colin WHITMORE]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, 
you always seem to be there when needed.  The perfect post-work cocktail, a 
beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside 
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family 
gatherings.   However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.  
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel 
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for 
your review.

1.  Phone calls:  While I agree with you that communication is important, I 
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity 
takes place after 2 a.m.  Why would you make me call those 
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear 
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2.  Eating:  Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I 
eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale 
chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat all 
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I 
think you went too far this time.

3.  Clumsiness:  Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do 
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by 
causing me to fall down.  It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue 
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me.  
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front 
door key into the lock.

4.  Pictures:  This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify 
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being 
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, 
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. 
  Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly don't 
like when I'm sober?  Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a flash 
is presented?

5.  Beer Goggles:  If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most 
likely do not.  Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do 
actually know that person.  The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on.  
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that 
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.  
Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up 
face, bad breath, beer belly, etc.  Why are they so appealing to me while 
I'm with you yet so disgusting to me the next morning after you've left?

6.  Furthermore:  The hangovers have GOT to stop.  This is getting 
ridiculous.  I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery 
may be in order, but the 3:00 pm hangover immobility is completely 
unacceptable.  My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions 
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to 
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the 
hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to 
ensure that we remain on good terms.  You've been the invoker of great 
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I 
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.  In order to 
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances 
above & address them immediately.  I will look for an answer no later than 
Thursday 3:00 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we 
can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, from your biggest fan.
_______

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when you're drunk:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer.  Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't.  No one wants to hear me sing!