[SOC] humor

[Bob Nielsen]

>   The 2003 Darwin  Award Winners:
> 
> 1.      When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
> victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber
> James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered
> down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
> 
> And now, the honorable mentions:
> 
> 2.      A chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
> meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
> claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence,
> sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the
> machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
> 
> 3.      A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
> car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
> woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
> 
> 4.      After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
> driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
> transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to  
> admit
> his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
> everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
> to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
> excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
> discovered for 3 days.
> 
> 5.      An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
> serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how  
> he
> received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
> to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he  
> was
> hit.
> 
> 6.      A man walked into a Louisiana shop, put a $20 bill on the
> counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
> the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,  
> which
> the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
> fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash  
> he
> got from the drawer...$15.
> 
> 7.    A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask  
> and
> carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
> "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone
> was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely
> lost it and doubled   over laughing. It probably saved his life,
> because he'd been about to draw his   gun. He couldn't have drawn and
> fired before the thief got him. The thief run away and is still at
> large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the
> wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a
> ****-up!"
> 
> 8.    Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
> that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window,  
> grab
> some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over
> his head at the window.  The cinderblock bounced back and hit the
> would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor  
> store
> window was made of Plexiglas.  The whole event was caught on
> videotape.
> 
> 9.  As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
> grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
> woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
> Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
> the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
> the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
> replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
> from."
> 
> 10.     The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
> into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,
> and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
> couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
> ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
> breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
> 
> A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
> 
> 11.     When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
> parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
> Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to
> a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the  
> man
> admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
> the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
> declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd  
> ever
> had.
>