[SOC] Anger Management 101

[JMcAulay]

For anyone who has the occasional really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know.  Take it out on
someone you don't know. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make.  I found the number and dialed.  A man answered, "Hello?" 

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"  Suddenly, the
phone was slammed down.  I couldn't believe anyone could be so rude. 

I tracked down Robin's number from another source.  It seems I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number.  

After my conversation with Robin, I decided to call the "wrong" number
again.  When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an
asshole!" and hung up.  I wrote his number down, with the word "asshole"
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. 

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"  It always cheered me up. 

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic "asshole" calling
would have to stop. So I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company.  I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with the Caller ID program." 

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.  

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" 

Then one day I was at the grocery store, patiently waiting to pull into a
parking spot. 

Some kid in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had been
waiting for.  I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the
spot.  The idiot ignored me.  I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his phone number. 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (by then, I
had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,
too. 

I dialed.  Someone answered, "Hello?" 

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" 

"Yes it is." 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" 

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked out front." 

"What's your name?" I asked. 

"My name is Don Hansen," he said. 

"When's a good time to catch you at home, Don?" 

"I'm home every evening after five." 

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" 

"Sure, what?" 

"Don, you're an asshole!" 

Then I hung up.  He didn't call right back, so I added his number to my
speed dial. 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. 

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be. 

So I came up with an idea.  I called Asshole Number Two: 

"Hello?" he said. 

I said, "Hello, Asshole." 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...." 

"You'll what?" I said. 

"I'll kick your ass!" he exclaimed. 

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your big chance.  I'm coming over right
now."

Then I called Asshole Number One. 

"Hello." 

"You're an asshole!"  But this time I didn't hang up. 

"Are you still there?" he asked. 

"Yeah," I said. 

"Stop calling me!" he screamed. 

"Make me," I said. 

"Who are you?" he asked. 

"My name is Don Hansen." 

"Oh, yeah?  Where do you live?" 

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house, and my
black Beemer is parked right out front." 

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don.  And you had better start saying
your prayers." 

I said, "Yeah, right.  Like I'm really scared, asshole." 

Then I immediately went to the pay phone on the corner and called the
police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way
over there to kill my gay lover. 

I also called Channel 5 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to West 34th Street.  There I saw
two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars,
a police helicopter, and a TV news crew. 

Now I feel much better.

73
John WA6QPL  SOC 263