[SOC] Healthy Living

[JMcAulay]

A genuinely SOC view of good health: 

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.  Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and
corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So, a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need
grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable slop. 

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? 

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.  As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral and vegetable.  We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of the elements.  So that
only leaves one thing, right?  My advice:  Have a burger and a beer and
enjoy your liquid vegetables. 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program? 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is:  No Pain = Good. 

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? 
A: Probably not.  Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of
mind.  If you stop, you might stress yourself to death in record time. 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: You're not paying attention!  Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil.  In  fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more Vegetables
be bad for you? 

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? 
A: Thicker gravy. 

Q: Will sit-ups help keep me trim around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger belly. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy?  HELLO... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!  "It's the
best feel-good food around!" 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.  Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! 

One more thing:  When life hands you lemons, reach for a bottle of Tequila!