[SOC] You folks sure do like your snow!

[Ian C. Purdie]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a
white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l
don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbour.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out of them. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because
13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out
to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
snowplow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too
busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house with Christmas lights this
morning. What is she, nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who
drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the
wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but
I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Moving here was all HER idea. She's really getting on my
nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all
my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving
me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver and he is now
suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother....9" of shit predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

SCREW  Winter!!!!!!!!!!!