[SOC] Airline Gags

[Chris Redding]

Most of these are American in origin...sorry for the ones (if not all) you
have heard before.

******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This
is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."
******
In the early 1960's a British 'VC10' developed a fault and was diverted to
Frankfurt, Germany. After landing, the plane trundled slowly along the
taxiway for a while, then stopped. "Why are you stopping there?" asked the
tower sternly. The Captain explained that he was consulting a plan of the
airport to find the correct route to the stand. "Have you never been to
Frankfurt before?" sneered the rather sarcastic controller. "Yes", replied
the Captain calmly "We came here twice in 1944, but we didn't stop".
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the plane's PA: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
******
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than
one small child pick your favorite."
******
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had
a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the Passengers exited, smile,and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of this bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot."What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the entire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a
smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!!!!!"
The plane lurched around violently. A after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!