[SOC] //////// LES PERLES DU CONTROLE AERIEN FRANCAIS /////////
Claude - F5PBL
[email protected]
Sat, 5 Oct 2002 12:53:53 +0200
Heard on the Tower Frequency of Toulouse Blagnac (118.10 MHz) :
Pilot : Air France 120 Echo Bravo, on approach 4 nautical final ILS 33 left.
Tower : Air France 120 Echo Bravo, cleared to land runway 33 left, the wind
is calm.
Pilot : The crew also ...
Tower : Air France Echo Bravo, correction, the wind is null ...
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Heard on the Ground frequency of Toulouse Blagnac (121.90 MHz) :
A morning with some fog fine enough that masked runways After some landings of
A320 and 737, arrives a 747 that was not accustoms with the terrain. Once
landed, seeking for the parking , the pilot doubts about his position.
The YL controller, full with good will, seeking to calm the pilot, tells him in
the most naturally way : "You are on Papa 40, I am sure of that, I see your
queue emerging from the fog."
To this, the pilot, with full humor, answered : "Are you sure that you do
not see my tail, instead ?"
[hard to pass on the funny of this one : "tail" (for a plane) means "d�rive" but
can also be translated as "queue".
The word "queue" means "tail" for animals and thus penis for a man ]
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Heard at the CRNA of Aix-en-Provence :
Pilot : Air France 7662, we would wish to climb to level 330.
Tower : Air France 7662, maintain 290 because of noise.
Pilot : What ??, why because of noise ?
Tower : Because if you climb and that you bump the plane that is above you
at level 310, that is going to make a lot noise and local inhabitants are not
going to appreciate ...
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Heard at the CRNA of Athis-Mons :
Tower : Air France 3682, what is your kind of machine, is it an A330 or
A340 ?
Pilot : A340, of course !
Tower : In this case Captain, light your two other engines and hurry up
climbing to the level that I have assigned you !
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Heard at the CRNA of Claret :
An Air France flight at level 290 is in convergence with an other machine. The
tower decides to deviate the Air France :
Tower : Air France 1348, turn 20 degres on the right.
Pilot : Really ??? and why ?
Tower : Because of traffic, will call you back for more info.
Pilot : No, impossible. We have made several times this leg, always at this
exact time and there has never been any other traffic here.
Tower (not believing what has been just said...) : Hein ??!!
Maybe the pilot had a lot humor and was a very good actor, according to the tone
of his voice, or he may have been a regular "hay" smoker...
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Heard on the Radar frequency of Roissy - Charles Of Gaulle (118.15 MHz) at a
moment when the tower was a bit overloaded due to high densitry of traffic,
everyone coming at same time in the zone, wanting to land at its convenience.
The flight AFR 455 is on the ILS :
Tower: Air France 544, contact De Gaulle Tower, 119.25 .
Tower : Air France 544 .... Contact de Gaulle Tower 119.25 !
Tower (a bit irritated) : Air France 544 .... You are like my woman, you
never listen !!!
Pilot : Radar, from Air France 455, maybe if you call your woman by her
name, she would answer !!
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Heard on the Tower frequency of Roissy - Charles de Gaulle (119.25 MHz):
Tower : Air France 2679 two and half nautical behind an Airbus 320, runway
26 left, cleared to land. (It is authorized in some conditions at Roissy).
Pilot (who did not seemed so stressed) : Air France 2679, it is a bit
close, don't you think so ?
Tower : Oh well, push back your seat !
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Heard on the Tower frequency of Strasbourg Entzheim (126.875 MHz) when an
Airbus A320 was in final :
Pilot : Final 23, Air France Victor Delta.
Tower : Air France Victor Delta, cleared 23. and without doubt amused by
something else, the controler adds : Is it for a full landing ?
Pilot (not lacking of humor) : Wait, I will ask the passengers !
This answer made laugh the controler who, confused of his question, apologized.
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Read in Info - Pilote (June 2001) :
Is there till a controler in the Tower ?
It was the question that haunted pilots on approach at Auckland Intal Airport
(New-Zealand) between 9H30 and 9H55 on 18th of April, that is at the high
traffic hour.
In fact, all controlers were missing. Four were at home due to sickness, an
other was blocked in traffic jam and the alone still available had been forced
to take the reglementary break of 25 minutes every 3 hours of activity...
Everyone had therefore to wait, in the air , till he has returned to his desk !
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A co - pilot of a well-known airliner tells this true story about a captain
with who he has often flown. This guy is an excellent pilot, serious and
competent, but not so good neither very comfortable in human and commercial
relationship with passengers and the crew.
Thus, a day that his plane waits to be aligned before take-off that an other
plane lands, this one bursts a tire on landing and of course many parts of the
tire remain on the runway and thus any take-off are impossible. After an
exchange with the Tower , informing the crew that the runway will not be cleaned
before several minutes, he thinks that it would be clever to inform the
passengers of the delay :
Ladies and Gentlemen, your captain speaking.We will be probably late of some
minute on our schedule time.
In fact, the airport is closed till the wrecks of the previous plane are taken
away .
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Heard on the Tower frequency of Quimper Pluguffan (118.625 MHz) :
Pilot : Romeo Juliett, short final 10, I touch myself ... Euh !, I touch
down.
Tower (a bit joking) : It is a bit risky during this part of the flight,
Romeo Juliett !
["Je me touche" (I touch myself) = I masturbate. ]
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Rolling in the runway of Figari (South Corsica) airport just after the
take-off of the only regular daily flight, the F - TQ found itself nose to nose
with a herd of sheeps that crosses the runway. Transcription of the dialogue
with the tour on 120.30 MHz :
Pilot : Figari Tour, Fox Tango Quebec, shall I go on or shall I wait the
take-off of the sheeps ?
Tower (after 20 seconds of silence) : ffffff ! Hold position, I send a
checking car.
Two minutes later, sheeps were evacuated. The regular phraseology was resumed
and Tango Quebec has been able to take-off.
The explanation with the sheep keeper has not taken place on the frequency. What
a pity !
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Heard on the Tower frequency of Bastia - Poretta (Corsica) (118.00 MHz) :
Tower : Fox Sierra India, your position ?
Pilot (a bit mocking) : I am in the cockpit.
Tower (still serious) : Fox Sierra India, your intentions ?
Pilot (still mocking) : To reach the Charlie parking.
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A joke made by an instructor at Rochefort St Agnant (119.30 MHz) to a
girl who made solo turns around the field just before taking her 1st level exam
:
The girl : Fox India Alpha, final 13 for a touch.
The instructor (on the VHF frequency, of course) : Vaginal !
The girl has bounced 3 times ...
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Heard on the Tower frequency of Etampes (119.05 MHz) : Exercise of rerouting
by a to-be pilot ...
Pilot : Etampes, Fox Victor Lima for a hijacking on your terrain, we have
the information Delta.
Tower (keeping serious) : Victor Lima, do you have a pistol on the temple ?
Pilot (surprised) : ??? Negatif, Victor Lima.
Controleur : Then, Victor Filed, it is a rerouting !!
[mistake from the pilot btwn "d�routement" ("rerouting", change of route) and
"d�tournement" (hijacking)]
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Again a good one heard on the Tower frequency of Etampes (119.05 MHz) :
Pilot : Fox Bravo Papa, holding point 24, about to penetrate runway 24.
Tower (a bit sarcastic) : Go, go, penetrate, penetrate !
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Heard on the Tower frequency of Toussus-le-Noble (119.30 MHz) : A to-be
pilot in solo navigation, preparing his landing ...
Pilot : Fox Victor Zulu, final 07 left.
Tower: Victor Zulu, cleared to land 07 left, 090 degres,18 knots.
Pilot : I land 07 left, Fox Victor Zulu.
The pilot completely missed his landing, the plane bounces 4 or 5 times on the
runway before hardly stopping after more than 900 meters rolling on the runway.
Tower (hilarious) : Victor Zulu, I wonder how much time I have count you
for the landing tax ?
The to-be pilot did not answered to this question ...
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Read on the forum FNA :
On a field near big ponds, an instructor and his student are aligned on the
runway for take-off. At this moment, a large pelican comes and lands in the
middle of the runway. It stays there and starts own job w/o worrying about the
plane.
Tower : Cessna Quebec Zulu, cleared to take-off runway 33, wind 310, 8
knots.
Student to his instructor : What should I do ? What should I do ?
Instructor : What do you think that you should do ?
Student : May be that if I roll towards it, it will be scared ?...
The instructor : It is a good idea ...
The student start rolling towards the pelican, that lifts its bill, then
scorning, gets back to own occupations and does not move .
Tower : Cessna Quebec Zulu, have you copy me right ?You are cleared for
take-off 33, wind 310 , 8 knots.
The student to his instructor : What shoud I do ? What should I do ?
The instructor : What do you think you should do ?
The student : Maybe I should advise the Tower ?
The instructor : It may be a good idea
The student : Euh, ... Tower ... there is a pelican, euh ... on the runway
...
After a long silence :
Tower : Cessna Quebec Zulu, hold your position. .... Pelican on
runway 33, you are cleared for immediate take-off,
wind 310, 8 knots.
Two seconds later and by coincidence , the pelican fly away..
Tower : Cessna Quebec Zulu, cleared for take-off runway 33, wind 310, 8
knots. Beware of the turbulences from the previous one, take-off of pelican
ahead of you, good flight !