[SOC] Hey, it's Christmas. Enjoy.

[JMcAulay]

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday Dos and Don'ts.

Eliminate second helpings, high calorie sauces, and cookies made with
butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is
your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think
so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have
my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them,
you'll be fat and happy.

So what if you don't make if to New Year's? Your pants don't fit anymore,
anyway.
 
1.  About those carrot sticks: Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
 
2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
Scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt Scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
 
3.  If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with Gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
 
4.  As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with automatic transmission.
 
5.  Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. A lot of it. Hello? Remember college?
 
6.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between Christmas and New
Year's. You can do that
in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table carrying a 10-pound
plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
 
7.  If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't
leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
 
8.  Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
 
9.  Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it all cost. I mean, have some standards.
 
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
 
Re-read tips.
Start over.