[SOC] Xmas with Louise

[soc@mailman.qth.net]

Hi guys, Don't flame me for this one as if has been posted by Hans, K0HB, but 
using an other email account so bocked (so far) by the ML Server.
Here you are :

<<
Subject: Christmas with Louise
Date: Thu, 5 Dec 2002 22:13:45 -0000
   
Need a laugh? This ought to do it. It gets funnier, the further you read. This
is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who
had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

                           Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in
search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I
had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated
store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding
me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult.

Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the
side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with
the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on
the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come
and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and
left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She
would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed
that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could
admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell
is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would
play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in
mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy,
that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the
dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again,
I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to
ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was
dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny
threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was
indeed a Christmas to
treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot
ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug
called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in
several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can
get out of the house.



��� 73, de Hans, K0HB
--
  Help support youth involved in Amateur Radio.
  http://www.mnyarc.org
  http://www.k0bsa.org 
>>