[Lowfer] How to give a cat a pill...

[KD7JYK]

How To Give Your Cat A Pill



1)  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding  a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of

cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.



2)  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.



3)  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.



4)  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.



5)  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of refrigerator. Call
spouse from garden.



6)  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.



7)  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep

shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.



8)  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.



9)  Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.



10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Shoot pill down throat with rubber band.



11) Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Throw T-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.



12) Call Fire Department to retrieve cat from tree across the street.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.



13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's
mouth open with small garden shovel. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of filet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down
throat to wash pill down.



14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture
store on way home to order new table.



15) Arrange for SPCA to pick up cat and call local pet shop to see if they
have any hamsters.