[KL7AA] Tools

[John Lynn]

DRILL PRESS: Useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hand and
flinging it across the room. 

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and calluses in
the time it takes you to say, "Yeou!" 

 

HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in holes until you die of
old age. 

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. Vise-Grip pliers are generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads. 

 

TORCH: Used almost entirely to testing for flammable objects in your shop.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you wanted the
bearing race removed. 

 

TABLE SAW: A stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity. 

 

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit
that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. 

 

ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect. 

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: Sometimes called a drop light. Its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm Howitzer shells were
used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. 

 

SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, but it
excels at converting screws into non-removable screws. 

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

 

HAMMER: A kind of divining rod used to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. 

 

BOX KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of packages delivered
to your front door. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.