[K6BW] Don't do this on Field Day

[Lars Williamson]

Priceless! Made my night.
W6RMY
----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Bill Smith<mailto:billsmith at ispwest.com> 
  To: HWA QTH Reflector<mailto:k6bw at mailman.qth.net> 
  Sent: 22 June, 2004 11:30
  Subject: [K6BW] Don't do this on Field Day


  This is a note robbed from sci.geo.geology.  It is a bit off-topic unless
  you are considering anthropological exploration (strictly prohibited at
  Olompoli) when you join us for Field Day this weekend.  Hopefully we can
  concentrate on our use of the bow and arrow, and later, communications
  skills.  ;-)



  Paleoanthropology Department
  University of California, Berkeley


  Dear Mr. Conrad:

  Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D,
  layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have
  given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
  inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
  "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County
  two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is
  the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has
  small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that
  you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this
  specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
  familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
  contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
  number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped
  you off to it's modern origin:

  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
  typically fossilized bone.

  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
  centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
  proto-hominids.

  3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
  with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous
  man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during
  that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
  hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution,
  but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
  going into too much detail, let us say that:

      A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog
  has chewed on.

      B. Clams don't have teeth.

  It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
  request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to
  the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly
  due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
  geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were
  produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce
  wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that
  we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department
  with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
  "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one,
  fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but
  was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was
  hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

  However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
  specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil,
  it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
  work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that
  our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
  display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
  Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
  happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
  back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital
  that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing
  the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
  you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
  fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the
  excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
  take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
  automotive crescent wrench.

  Yours in Science,
  Professor Harvey Rowe

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