[Heathkit] QST Submission

[Duane Fischer, W8DBF]

Hi All,

What follows is my second contribution to the Editors of QST magazine. Next 
Saturday I will post the first one.

While the Managing Editors were rolling on the floor of their offices, the 
Editors above them were on their daily prune break! Since QST apparently 
banned any article that had any humor in it, or poem because nobdy could 
agree exactly what was poetry or not, they no longer publish either. I 
personally think that those old foogies that take up valuable air space and 
drink the water fountains dry should be put on a flying carpet and set 
somewhere to retire!

Now something is wrong when all of the Contributing Editors, and Senior 
Editors, like a contribution and their superiors like none of them! Time to 
freshen the staff, heh?

BirdDit: Dit Ain't For Dah Electronic Keyer!



By Duane B. Fischer, W8DBF



Researchers at the Smithsonian Museum have recently

discovered encrypted messages in a little known offshoot of

Morse Code known as BirdDit. "Say what?" They found it was

originally discovered by some seriously overworked and

resultant slightly mentally unbalanced Cryptographic wizards

at England's Bletchley Park during WW2. They looked for

secret codes in everything. How many times a cat gagged

before hurling out a hair ball. How many times a blind person

tapped the end of his White Cane while trying to find the

entrance to the underground bomb bunker as an incoming German

V2 screamed. How many times an English taxi driver honked

his horn as he roared through alleys and streets on his way

to his favorite pub for the morning green tea and crumpet

break. Then the revelation came as one stared glassy eyed

between the steel bars of the rooms single window. "What was

that red headed Woodpecker out there really doing? Was he

communicating with a code known only to birds? Perhaps the

BirdDit code?"

I have a new neighbor, a red headed Woodpecker who is

determined to peck the redwood split rail fence on the

property line back into its formative atoms.

At first I thought the bird was just confused after

flying in from the sunny south and being rudely greeded by a

hail storm that left lumps on its head. When the two guys

from the Michigan DNR, Department of Natural Resources,

showed up two days ago with butterfly nets, tranquilizer mist

grenades, GPs tracking units and camouflage outfits, I

decided this might not be the ordinary bug chewing variety of

red headed Woodpecker beating its beak on the split rail

fence.

My almost a teenager, going on thirty, grandson Brandon

happened to be hanging out with old Grandpa, so I put him on

security duty. A two meter handheld for simplex, modified CO2

powered pellet gun that fires tranquilizer darts for

obnoxious neighbors or bill collectors, can of regular Coke

(if it's sugar and caffeine free, it ain't cool!) and high

resolution telescopic video camera with built-in transmitter

to send audio/video signals back to the wireless digital

recording unit in the Ham shack. Plus a crisp twenty dollar

bill. I think the word is 'incentive'?

Yea, I know. I tried a crisp ten dollar bill first, but

got told that unless I really wanted to lurk under that older

than his Grandpa apple tree, with more spider webs hanging

down than a B horror movie, huge ugly brown spiders with a

hour glass shape on their back and fangs like my ex-wife's

incisors, to lay a little more green on him. The thought of

those nasty and probably poisonous spiders did not bother me,

but the image of those incisors was sufficient motivation to

make me reach for my wallet!

The red headed Woodpecker was methodically demolishing

the fence one post at a time. The two DNR guys were trying to

sneak up on the unsuspecting bird with nets at the ready.

Brandon had a good view and I was listening to the incoming

audio. "Remember now Lucius, this is not an ordinary

Woodpecker. This one did not fly south for the Winter, he

holed up at the Red Roof Inn in Holly and dined on juicy bugs

that crawled out of the garden salads! The boss thinks he is

one of those genetically engineered birds that picked the

locks on their cages at the Michigan State aviary and

disappeared. So be careful! Remember what happened to agent

Pignose. That one got under his camouflage jacket and used

its pointed beak to tattoo a butt naked likeness of the

traveling carnival fat lady on his stomach! Wife and kids

packed up and hit the road the next day."

They were right, this was not the ordinary pecker of

wood! He heard them coming and kept pecking away as he

watched them out of the corner of one bloodshot red eye. The

staccato rhythm of his pecking suddenly changed. The seldom

heard BirdDit code was now being sent by wireless beak.

The DNR guys were poised with nets raised to snatch the

red headed Woodpecker off the fence post before he knew what

snared him. Or so they thought! Suddenly the air was filled

with the sound of flapping wings. Birds of all kinds were

coming from every direction and headed straight at the bird

nappers. Before they could grab a tranquilizer mist grenade

and pull the pin, they were covered by a kaleidoscope of

colored feathers as the birds used them as practice pecking

targets! One made a run for it, but ran headlong into a very

sturdy Maple tree with a girth bigger than his. Laid him out

colder than an ice cream cart freshly loaded with blocks of

dry ice!

The other guy made it to the DNR van,

scrambled inside and slammed the door. Then discovered he had

company! Woodpeckers! Dozens of them! He let out a scream

like a teenage girl that just discovered a major zit on the

end of her nose the morning of Prom night! Tried to open the

door to get out of the path of the dive bombing Woodpeckers,

bumped the gear shift of the idling van out of 'park' into

reverse, panicked, hit the gas instead of the brake, shot

across the street, through a neighbor's front yard, tore out

his shrubbery, plowed through the expensive imported rose

garden, broke the marble and ceramic bird bath into hundreds

of attractive pieces and slowly sank in his Olympic size

swimming pool!

Brandon insists that the red headed Woodpecker smiled. I

had to give him an extra ten bucks before he would promise

not to tell anyone that his Grandpa had a video tape of a

smiling Woodpecker that did not come from the Cartoon

Network!

The hundreds of birds left as quickly as they had

arrived. Police cars, EMS units, the State Police SWAT team,

Sheriff's department officers with tracking dogs, several

fire trucks, four Humvey's loaded with combat ready National

Guard troops and some bomb disposal experts showed up. Then

the Civil Air Patrol zoomed over head with specially equipped

GPS guided Cesna's making slow low passes. They had cameras

rolling and automatic rifles with infrared scopes poking out

the open windows. I had to pay Brandon another twenty to get

him to come back inside the house! He was busy filming it all

for submission to the local ABC/Disney TV station which was

giving away an all expense paid week long family trip to

Disney World for the most original video taken by a junior

high school student during Spring Break. Why do I think I

just wasted twenty bucks?

The red headed Woodpecker just kept pecking away at the

fence oblivious to the invasion force descending on my yard.

They loaded the one guy who was still seeing stars while

earthbound, on a stretcher and hauled him off in a van. Some

others restrained the one from the mostly submerged DNR van,

who was screaming at the top of his lungs about Alfred

Hitchcock's movie about the "Birds" having just come true.

Then everyone suddenly stopped, turned to look at the little

red headed Woodpecker whittling that Redwood fence down to

toothpicks and smiled. Then more of the BirdDit code.

One of the officers ran up to the guy who was in charge

and showed him a note pad. He got a funny look on his face,

turned a little pale like an over bleached sheet, said

something into his handheld radio and everybody quickly got

back into their vehicles and sped off.

Brandon asked me if I knew what the BirdDit code said? I

told him I had no idea. "Well I do.", he proudly announced.

"I picked up the pad that one guy dropped as he ran to the

cop car. It says, 'Any human that thinks he is smarter than a

bird, is the proverbial bird brain and is in a peck of

trouble. Listen up human! You better pretend there is

something between those ears besides a neuron vapor trail and

beat feet, as you sure can't wing it! Let me peck in peace!

Catch my beak?'"

"You taught me well Gramps, I am almost as slick of a

con artist as you are!" "I am a professional

Magician/Illusionist, Brandon, not a confidence man or snake

oil peddler!" "Right Gramps. Heads you win, tailes they lose.

I've heard the line! But don't ya think I did a pretty good

job of talking you out of those twenties?" He noticed my

patented Fischer smirk. "Hey! How come there is a picture

of Ben Franklin on this twenty, doesn't he like belong on the

hundred? Grandpa! You tricked me!"



Original: April 25, 2004




Duane Fischer, W8DBF - WPE8CXO
E-Mail: dfischer at usol.com
Hallicrafters web site: www.w9wze.net
HHRP web site: hhrp.w9wze.net



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