[HCARC] Sort Of The Story Of Christmas

[Gary and Arlene Johnson]

Not the exact story, but it will have to do for this year:

Judas Asparagus":
                  (This should bring tears of laughter to your eyes.  I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching?)

                              A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
                              Here is what was written: 


                        The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
                        In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
                        was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible
                        says,'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a
                        lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and
                        someone did. Then God made the world. He split the
                        Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
                        but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't
                        been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating
                        one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden
                        of Eden .....Not sure what they were driven in though,
                        because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son,
                         Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

                        Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
                        Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. 
                        One of the next important people was Noah, who was a
                        good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah
                        built a large boat and put his family and some animals
                        on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they
                        said they would have to take a rain check.

                        After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
                        Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau,
                        because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
                        for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph
                        who wore a really loud sports coat. Another
                        important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
                        Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of
                        Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
                        sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
                        included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. 

                        God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
                        Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
                        These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
                        covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just
                        thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
                        mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
                        who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
                        fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
                        on the town. After Joshua came David.  He got
                        to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
                        He had a son named Solomon who had about
                        300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says
                        he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

                        After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
                        prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was
                        swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. 
                        There were also some minor league prophets, but
                        I guess we don't have to worry about them. 
                        After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
                        Jesus is the star of The New Testament.  He was
                        born in Bethlehem in a barn.
                        (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always
                        saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born
                        in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
                        fact, I was.') 

                        During His life, Jesus had many
                        arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the
                        Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The
                        worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil
                        that they named a terrible vegetable after him. 
                        Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
                        and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. 
                        But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus
                        on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick
                        up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. 
                        Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
                        to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back
                        at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
                        in the book of Revolution.

                        Gary J
                        N5BAA