[Hammarlund] Join Halli Saturday Net

[Duane Fischer, W8DBF]

Please join us on Saturday May 12th. for the Hallicrafters 40
meter Net. Bring a friend, bring a fact to share or just tell
us a fib! But join us!

Time: 12:30 - 2:00 PM EST/EDT - 1630 - 1800 UTC.

Frequency: As ever plus one day - 7.280 MHZ LSB +/- key
clicks, mike splatter and thos beloved AM'ers just slightly
up the band trying to sound like a 50 KW AM Clear Channel
commercial station with a bandwidth bigger then the stern
width of the Titanic!

A Happy Mother's Day to all of the XYL's and YL Hams! What
follows is for both sexes, so enjoy!


Are You Really Sure You Want To Skip That Birth Control Pill?



                                            Duane B. Fischer


(1) Do you enjoy soaking your hands in a toilet?  This is
    essentially what happens if you have a child that doesn't
    come already toilet trained!  Boys tend to squirt you in
the eye with their fire hose like equipment and girls usually
soak your sock with a sudden waterfall demonstration.  Is
there any smell on Earth worse than a diaper with a full
load?  How can anything so cute smell so bad?  They are too
young to be drinking beer and eating pickled eggs, so maybe
it's something in the strained carrots.  Who else but a baby
could dip their finger in shit, smile and flip it at the
wallpaper?  If you add up what it costs for diapers, butt
wipes, talcum powder and new wallpaper, you could buy a new
car!  The alternative is to invest in a toilet training seat!

(2) Are you into creative free style art forms?  You better
    be if you plan to feed a baby!  They drip, dribble and
drop bits of food in places science has yet to discover.
There is some secret ingredient that baby food manufactures
put in those jars that prevents the stuff from washing off
high chairs.  Once it dries, you either have to chisel it off
by hand or have it sand blasted!  The dye in those foods
stains everything it touches, except the baby.  After feeding
the child a four course meal, your face looks like a make up
practice session for Bozo the clown!  If it dries on your
face, you can either request admission to a leper colony or
call a plastic surgeon.  Not even bleach will remove those
stains from your clothes, so burn them.  Either be naked when
you feed the child and shower quickly, or cut a breathing
hole in a plastic trash bag and wear it!

(3) Do you get sick to your stomach if you see somebody else
barf?  If so, then avoid babies.  They slobber, spit and
throw up all the time!  You pick them up to burp them, and
out it comes like a volcano exploding.  A stream of strained
beets splattering all over the wall.  Yuck!  Enough to gag a
gopher on a garbage pile!  Then they coo, smile and puke all
over your hair.  Next they bat their little eyes, pucker up
and kiss you right on the mouth!  There is nothing quite like
the flavor of a stomach acid kiss and the pungent scent of
sour milk to settle your already queasy stomach.  While you
stand there with tears in your eyes trying not to hurl, they
burp a cloud of toxic gas in your face that would choke
Godzilla.  As you stand there with baby drool dripping from
your chin down your neck, you are reminded that this too
shall pass!

(4) Do you remember the last time that you had a good night's
    rest?  If so, you aren't a mother!  They all have bags
    under their eyes big enough to carry groceries home in!
Their eyes are bloodshot from too much caffeine, too little
sleep and too many weight loss infomercials on late night
television.  They have mastered the skill of cat napping
while sitting on the toilet seat or dozing between spin dry
cycles.  The reason they so often look like they just
staggered out of bed when they answer the door, is because
they did!  They can change a diaper, breast feed, read a
romance novel, balance the checkbook and snore with only one
eye open.  They keep the handbook for Insomniac's Anonymous,
right beside the family Bible and child's birth certificate.
If the baby sniffles, farts or coughs they are instantly wide
awake.  They are at the baby's bed faster than a horse coming
out of the starting gate at the Kentucky Derby.  They know
what the child wants before it does!  Sleep to them is a word
that vanished from their vocabulary the morning the home
pregnancy test was positive!  The story about Rip VanWinkle
was really written by the sleep deprived mother of triplets
who was having a fantasy!

(5) Do you enjoy those moments in life that are full of
    peace, quiet and tranquility?  If so, don't forget to
    take that pill!  If you try to talk on the telephone,
they crawl onto your lap and shout in your face.  If you try
to go to the bathroom, they pound on the door and scream as
if someone was beating them with a bull whip!  If you sit
down to rest for a moment, they are instantly hungry, thirsty
or have to go potty.  If you get them all cleaned up and
dressed in their best clothes to go some place, they will
invariably spring a leak in their diaper and leave a puddle
on the floor.  If you pick up their toys scattered throughout
the house, they will rip the doily off the end table causing
the family heirloom ceramic lamp to tip over and shatter into
a thousand pieces.  If you give them a swat on the butt, they
look at you as if you were Atilla The Hun!  If you tell them
no, they make a face that makes the winner of the ugliest
pumpkin contest look cute and mutter just low enough to be
heard but not understood.  If you give them a bath and put
clean clothes on them, they will go outside and fall
headfirst in a mud puddle.

     If you are still glad that you had children after
    reading this, then you are undoubtedly qualified for the
    title of Mother.  If this made you smile, then I know
    that you will have a happy Mothers Day.  If not, you had
    better keep taking those pills!


Original: May 9, 1996  Mother's Day thoughts. 1042 words.

Duane Fischer, W8DBF - WPE8CXO
E-Mail: dfischer at usol.com
Hallicrafters web site: www.w9wze.net
HHRP web site: hhrp.w9wze.net