[Hammarlund] Packing A Box Narrative

[Duane Fischer, W8DBF]

Hi All,

While sorting the hundreds of essays, articles, poems and stories that I
have written over the past forty-five years I came across this one on how to
pack a destruction proof shipping box. Yea, right! Enjoy -

                   Ode To A Boat Anchor Box


                                        By, Duane B. Fischer


     Let me share with you my secret for safely packing a
vintage radio to ship.

     The survivability factor is directly proportional to the
number of times the bar code is scanned, raised to the second
power, and divided by the number of transportation vehicles
or devices used during transit from initial pick up to
final drop off. Because the third factor in the equation is
highly variable, just pick any number between one and twenty
and square it.

     First wrap the receiver in fragrance free toilet paper.
It absorbs moisture really well. Next place the receiver
inside a two ply plastic trash bag to keep out dust, packing
material particles and rodents that commonly inhabit the
warehouses where the boxes are stored. If you are not an
animal lover, put several pretzels soaked overnight in
arsenic of lead inside the trash bag. Not only kills hungry
rodents, but causes the fingers of potential thieves to turn
blue and fall off within forty-eight hours. Easy to find the
thief that way. Seal the trash bag with a few staples and use
your daughter's hair dryer to melt the seams shut.

     Next wrap the receiver in dough from a Little Caesar's
pizza place. That stuff is practically indestructible, as
well as indigestible.  Most rodents won't even attempt to
chew it, as
they have learned it is better than cheap Carmel for pulling
out their incisors!

     You don't need to bake the dough, flavor is not a factor
here. Anyone inspecting the package will think it is just a
very large tortilla, thus eliminating the
issue of theft by unscrupulous shippers. Unless they are
really hungry, but don't forget those pretzels still inside!
The dough won't digest, so the police can easily identify the
potential thief during the autopsy by the dough lumps still
in the stomach.

     Now comes the really important part, so pay close
attention here. You must completely encase the receiver in
Silly Putty.  You do not need to double box it. You do not
need to use that spray foam stuff in a can, Dream Whip or
whatever. You do need a hundred feet of bubble wrap that
sometimes pops under stress and sounds like an active popcorn
machine inside the box. A sure way to get the UPS or postal
inspectors to open the box. But do not worry, remember those
pretzels?

     Now place the Silly Putty coated parcel inside a double
walled cardboard box with a burst strength of at least 350
pounds per square inch.  Roughly the same as Fruit Of The
Loom briefs that are one size too small trapping gas from
beer, pickled hard boiled eggs and sardines. If it pops, the
room will clear very quickly!

     Do not worry about packing anything around the parcel
inside coated in Silly Putty. Just seal the box shut with
lots and lots of that two inch wide clear shipping tape. Wrap
it like one of those Egyptian mummies.  Don't worry about
grave robbers or warehouse thieves, remember those pretzels?

     Never ever write the word "FRAGILE" on a box. It is an
absolute guarantee that somebody will try to flip it into the
air with a fork lift truck and catch it! Never ever write
"Handle With Care" on the box either. It will always result
in parcel handlers betting on how many times the box can fall
off the conveyer belt before the sides split out! Always
write "Contains Raw Rutabagas" and nobody will touch the box!

     Now no matter what the shipper does to this parcel, they
can not hurt it. The Silly Putty will absorb all shocks and
cause the box to bounce like basketballs at a dribbling
seminar. It won't matter if they fling it off the USM
conveyer belt at twenty feet onto a concrete floor and try to
spear it with a fork lift or the UPS robotic parcel picker
arm tries to do a bank shot like Minnesota Fats and drop the
parcel in the side pocket of a waiting brown truck. The box
will bounce harmlessly, the contents remains undamaged and
they have to deliver it with a shipping box that resembles a
stack of documents run through the postal system mail
shredder. Do not be alarmed if the delivery person bounces
the box up to your door. It is just that Silly Putty doing
what it does best.  Defying humans to destroy it! As
indestructible as military issue Spam and as tough as any bus
station steak. But your boat anchor is safe and sound inside,
not a scratch, dent, ding or flattened front panel.

     One thing, though. Good luck unpacking the receiver! No
matter how frustrated you become trying to pry that Silly
Putty off with a Swiss Army knife or suck it off with a Kirby
vacuum on steroids and plugged into a 220 volt line, do not
eat those pretzels!


Original: June 24, 2002


Duane Fischer, W8DBF - WPE8CXO
E-Mail: dfischer at usol.com
Hallicrafters web site: www.w9wze.net
HHRP web site: hhrp.w9wze.net