[Hallicrafters] Ode To Packing A Box

[Duane Fischer, W8DBF]

Let me share with you my secret for safely packing a vintage radio to ship. 

The survivability factor is directly proportional to the number of times the bar
code is scanned, raised to the second power, and divided by the number of
transportation vehicles or devices used during transit from initial pick up to
final drop off. Because the third factor in the equation is highly variable,
just pick any number between one and twenty and square it. 	
	
First wrap the receiver in fragrance free toilet paper. It absorbs moisture
really well. Next place the receiver inside a two ply plastic trash bag to keep
out dust, packing material particles and rodents that commonly inhabit the
warehouses where the boxes are stored. If you are not an animal lover, put
several pretzels soaked overnight in arsenic of lead inside the trash bag. Not
only kills hungry rodents, but causes the fingers of potential thieves to turn
blue and fall off within forty-eight hours. Easy to find the thief that way.
Seal the trash bag with a few staples and use your daughter's hair dryer to melt
the seams shut. 	
	
Next wrap the receiver in dough from a Little Caesar's pizza place. That stuff
is practically indestructible. Most rodents won't even attempt to chew it, as
they have learned it is better than cheap Carmel for pulling out their incisors!
You don't need to bake the dough, flavor is not a factor here. Anyone inspecting
the package will think it is just a very large tortilla, thus eliminating the
issue of theft by unscrupulous shippers. Unless they are really hungry, but
don't forget those pretzels still inside! The dough won't digest, so 
the police can easily identify the potential thief during the autopsy by the
dough lumps still in the stomach.   			
Now comes the really important part, so pay close attention here. You must
completely encase the receiver in Silly Putty. You do not need to double box it.
You do not need to use that spray foam stuff in a can, Dream Whip or whatever.
You do need a hundred feet of bubble wrap that sometimes pops under stress and
sounds like an active popcorn machine inside the box. A sure way to get the UPS
or postal inspectors to open the box. But do not worry, remember those pretzels?
 	
	
Now place the Silly Putty coated parcel inside a double walled cardboard box
with a burst strength of at least 350 pounds per square inch. Roughly the same
as Fruit Of The Loom briefs that are one size too small trapping gas from beer,
pickled hard boiled eggs and sardines. If it pops, the room will clear very
quickly!  	
	
Do not worry about packing anything around the parcel inside coated in Silly
Putty. Just seal the box shut with lots and lots of that two inch wide clear
shipping tape. Wrap it like one of those Egyptian mummies. Don't worry about
grave robbers or warehouse thieves, remember those pretzels?    

Never ever write the word "FRAGILE" on a box. It is an absolute guarantee that
somebody will try to flip it into the air with a fork lift truck and catch it!
Never ever write "Handle With Care" on the box either. It will always result in
parcel handlers betting on how many times the box can fall off the conveyer belt
before the sides split out! Always write "Contains Raw Rutabagas" and nobody
will touch the box!	
	
Now no matter what the shipper does to this parcel, they can not hurt it. The
Silly Putty will absorb all shocks and cause the box to bounce like basketballs
at a dribbling seminar. It won't matter if they fling it off the USM conveyer
belt at twenty feet onto a concrete floor and try to spear it with a fork lift
or the UPS robotic parcel picker arm tries to do a bank shot like Minnesota Fats
and drop the parcel in the side pocket of a waiting brown truck. The box will
bounce harmlessly, the contents remains undamaged and they have to deliver it
with a shipping box that resembles a stack of documents run through the postal
system mail shredder. Do not be alarmed if the delivery person bounces the box
up to your door. It is just that Silly Putty doing what it does best. Defying
humans to destroy it! As indestructible as military issue Spam and as tough as
any bus station steak. But your boat anchor is safe and sound inside, not a
scratch, dent, ding or flattened front panel.            	
	
One thing, though. Good luck unpacking the receiver! And remember, do not eat
those pretzels.	
	
Duane Fischer, W8DBF