[GreenKeys] OT: Taser Testing = Don't

[Jeffrey D Angus]

As promised, more seriously off topic nonsense sent to me by a friend.

Jeff-1.0
wa6fwi

Begin forwarded message:
> Installation of electric fencing
>
>
> Thought y'all should read this in case you're
> thinking of installing an electric fence!
>
> We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
> months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically
> in the entire city.
>
> To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
> fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
> had, made for 26 miles of fence.
>
> I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
> the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
> have in the ground, the better the fence works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
> Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken
> and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
> unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
> and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
> seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
> all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
> lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire
> in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
> size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
> cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing
> I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
> body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
> lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
> time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
> the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
> engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS
> lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
> impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same
> time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
> but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of
> a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time
> is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM
> BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
> were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
> together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
> turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
> into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around
> the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
> farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
> had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
> were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not
> let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
> bottom soil.
>
> At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to
> just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
> gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled
> the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has
> settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of
> big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
> and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please
> die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
> rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
> bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
> its owner's right foot.
>
> So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
> humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill
> me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered
> in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
> had created.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower
> was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
> was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where
> I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
> were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still
> holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
> the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon
> waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
> things.
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
> butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
> smell as bad as you might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
> think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
> something, because it was better than new after that.
>
> 7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
> almost a foot long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
> thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
> things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I
> always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged
> before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
> the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
> will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
> all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
> mow.


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