[GreenKeys] OT: Taser Testing = Don't

[Don Robert House]

DANGER... THIS MESSAGE IS OFF TOPIC!

THERE IS NO WORD TELETYPE IN THIS MESSAGE...


ONLY A DRUNK MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
	

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased  
his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last
weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO
COOL!  Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
	
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue  
arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is  
on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,  
thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A  
batteries,
right?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really  
needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) but thought  
better
of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing  
to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance  
that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of  
shorts
and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the  
bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.  The directions  
said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your  
assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at  
this
little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in  
circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
	
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my  
best...? I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one  
side as
to say, 'don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from  
such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give  
myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS
OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
	
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me  
up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I  
had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the  
fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one  
note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap  
yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand  
by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I  
can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my  
wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent  
reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside  
down
and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had  
been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no  
control
over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to  
know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud  
above my
head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my  
gonads and
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P.S. My wife  
loved
the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If
you think education is difficult, try being stupid.