[FPARC] Subject: Things learned from recent emails

[W4kkw at aol.com]

Thought You Guys Would Like  This................. 
Subject: Things learned from recent  emails

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in  the glue 
on envelopes  because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that 
needs sealing. 
Also, now I have to scrub the top  of every can I open for the same reason. 
I no longer have any savings  because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) 
who is about to die in the hospital  for the 1,387,258th time. 
I no longer have any money at all,  but that will change once I receive the 
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in 
their special e-mail  program. 
I no longer worry about my soul  because I have 363,214 angels looking out 
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every  wish. 
I no longer eat KFC because their  chickens are actually horrible mutant 
freaks with no eyes or feathers. 
I no longer use cancer-causing  deodorants even though I smell like a water 
buffalo on a hot day. 
Thanks to you, I have learned that  my prayers only get answered if I forward 
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within  five minutes. 
Because of your concern I no longer  drink Coca Cola because it can remove 
toilet stains. 
I no longer can buy gasoline  without taking a man along to watch the car so 
a serial killer won't crawl in my back  seat when I'm pumping gas. 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.  Pepper since the people who make these 
products are atheists who refuse to put  "Under God" on their cans. 
I no longer use Saran wrap in the  microwave because it causes cancer. 
And thanks for letting me know I  can't boil a cup water in the microwave 
anymore because it will blow up in my  face...disfiguring me for life. 
I no longer check the coin return  on pay phones because I could be pricked 
with a needle infected with AIDS. 
I no longer go to shopping malls  because someone will drug me with a perfume 
sample and rob me. 
I no longer receive packages from  UPS or FedEx since they are  actually Al 
Qaeda in  disguise. 
I no longer shop at Target since  they are French and don't support our 
American troops or the Salvation Army. 
I no longer answer the phone  because someone will ask me to dial a number 
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to  Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and 
Uzbekistan. 
I no longer have any sneakers-but  that will change once I receive my free 
replacement pair from Nike. 
I no longer buy expensive cookies  from Neiman Marcus since I now have their 
recipe. 
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's  toilet but mine because a big brown 
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death  when it bites 
my  butt. 
Thank you too for all the endless  advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can 
live a better life now because he's told us  how to fix everything. 
And thanks to your great advice, I  can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the 
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex  molester waiting  
underneath my car to grab my leg. 
I can no longer drive my car  because I can't buy gas from certain gas 
companies! 
If you don't send this e-mail to at  least 144,000 people in the next 70 
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at  5:00 PM this 
afternoon and the fleas  from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a 
hairy hump. I know this will occur because  it actually happened to  a friend 
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's 
beautician... 
Have a wonderful day.... (keep  reading below)
--------------
New Study:
A South American scientist  from Argentina, after a lengthy study,  has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity  read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off  now, it's too late!!