[Boatanchors] Mothers Day Gift For You and Halli Net

[Duane Fischer, W8DBF]

Hi All,

Below are five heart touching as well as light hearted stories and bits of

verse. I have written these over the years for my mother, now a resident in

Heaven. Remember your mother tomorrow! I am printing these here and allowing

them to be reprinted. Just remember to include my name as the author!

Do something special tomorrow for your mother. If she is no longer with you,

then honor someone as an honorary mother for the day. There are many lonely

hearts out there that you can share some love with! You may not be their

son, but you will end up being a Prince for sure! Enjoy and God bless all

our beloved mothers, past and present.

There Is More To Mother's Day Than Just A Hallmark Card!



By Duane B. Fischer, W8DBF





If Mom will let you, please join us for the Sunday May 8th

Halligans Hallicrafters International 20 meter Net. It will

commence with the pre-Net at 12:30 PM EDT, (1630 UTICA) and

the Net proper at 1:00 PM EDT, (1700 UTC). The frequency,

(contestors or bust!), will be 14.293 Mhz usb +/-for key

clicks, mike splatter and the sound of the wind howling like

a cross-eyed Siamese cat that sniffed a little too much

curdled skim milk and chewed the end of its own tail off

thinking it was a hairy grass snake!

How hard will the west wind be puffing? Over forty mph

sustained. The NSW has already issued a high wind alert for

Sunday, being as the 20 mph morning winds are supposed to

continuously increase to over fifty mph by Net time. The

thunderstorms moving in will have winds in excess of seventy

mph and golf ball size hail. Well at least the grown

men who beat the snot out of those poor little white balls

with dimples might actually hit a long drive with a tire iron

with the assistance of the wind and make it to the next green

in less than a dozen shots without killing the wetlands by

slaying Cat Tails and Water Lilies as they sling mud and

mutilated Analids skyward with their frantic attempts to

blast their balls out of the rough. But one wonders, do they

still shout "Fore" when they are hacking hail stones or do

they yell "Get the hail out of the way unless you want to get

stoned!"

Tell your Mom, or some other woman who is a mother, to have a

wonderful day and treat them to flowers, (preferably real and

not paper or plastic), gourmet chocolate candy (not that

cheap stuff you bought the day after Halloween last year for

ten cents a pound) and dinner at a nice family oriented

restaurant without cigar smoke dense enough to color your

gray hair Camel brown! Honor your mother, or if yours has

gone on to Heaven, honor a senior citizen who may be alone

and forgotten by children who are just too busy to be

bothered. America is a great country because of mothers with

unfailing courage, quiet and steadfast devotion, unquestioned

love without expectations and a tireless devotion to church,

community and country. This is the true strength that flows

like a powerful quiet river below the surface of the asphalt

jungles, grassy meadowlands and golden fields of wheat. A

quiet and unassuming strength that is ever moving always in a

positive direction.

If you do not have a mother to take out to dinner or to a

movie or to simply visit and show your love for, then adopt

one for the day. No greater gift could you give on Mother's

Day than companionship.

I hope to hear many many of you later on today. Hmmm. The

weather alert just warbled and I think I need to change my

Fruit Of The Looms! A tornado watch until 6:00 AM EDT. Being

as my young grandson is here sleeping, I think I should

remain awake in case conditions worsen. The thunderstorms

with this severe weather are reported to have winds in excess

of seventy mph! A great time to set those plastic bags full

of garbage outside that I forgot to do on trash pick up

day! A good gust of wind and the neighbors will have a

surprise present in the morning.



Hey! What About Us Kids?



By, duane B. Fischer



Before we sit down to dinner, there are a few things

that I would like to say in regard to Mother's Day.

First, if it wasn't for us kids there wouldn't be a

Mother's Day to celebrate. We created it, not the florists

and card shops, and I think that we deserve to get some

respect for it. Furthermore, it is about time that mother's

recognized just how very fortunate they are to have us as

children. After all, we made them what they are today.

We taught them how to hold their breath for five minutes

while changing a smelly diaper. How not to gag when we

breathed stale milk fumes into their nostrils while batting

our eyes and slobbering all over their clean clothes. We

taught them the fine art of decorating ourselves, and the

walls, with everything from simple baby shit to complex

paints like mustard and permanent markers. We showed them

how to stay awake all night and read story books to soothe

themselves. We instructed them in the communication skills

of screaming at full volume for two hours about nothing in

particular. How to use cosmetics to hide the bags under

their eyes that came from too much excitement. Hey, don't

blame us if you couldn't sleep. We did.

There were all of those lessons on life that we taught

you also. Like how to get by with one pair of shoes, a

couple of mended dresses and yard sale bargains. It was

called being practical. Don't blame us because we wore the

latest fashions. What did you expect us to do, run around

butt naked? It isn't our fault that they tore so easily and

got all of those mysterious stains on them. You could have

just bought more. You didn't have to spend all of those

hours washing, ironing and mending. But I guess that it gave

you something to do with your idle time. You know, that

extra five minutes just after drying the last plate and

before feeding the dog.

We taught you other things too. Like how to share. We

freely shared our diseases, problems and complaints with you.

You got some valuable training in health care, crisis

management and psychological counseling thanks to us. Things

you could use to get a part time job with so that you could

pay us an allowance. Remember that? The weekly money that

we got for doing chores that we should have done for free.

But, it did help you learn how to manage your time and

finances better. Come on now. What was really more

important? That fancy new ten speed bicycle for us or that

hair cut for you. Thanks to us you learned how to make do

with what you had and to be thankful for it. Being satisfied

with what you had helped to cultivate humility. It was an

important lesson in life. You learned it well.

We taught you how to accept criticism without becoming

angry or resentful. We showed you how to say please, thank

you and I'm sorry even when you were not. It was called

being polite. Remember how you smiled and were courteous

when our friends were rude and nearly demolished the house?

Remember that kid who used to swear so much? Was it really

an accident when you claimed to slip on the bottle of pop

that he poured on the new carpet? He sure had a funny look

on his face when you accidentally shoved that bar of soap in

his mouth!

I could go on for many hours talking about all of the

things that we taught you. But the Mother's Day dinner that

you fixed for us would get cold. Remember how you learned to

eat every bean and pea on your plate? Maybe it is the light

in here, but your hair does look a little gray. Are those

wrinkles on your face? You should try to get more rest and

take better care of yourself. I'm glad that we could all be

here today to help you celebrate Mother's Day. I know that

you appreciate all that we have done for you over the years.

Don't worry Mom, we will all be back here next year so that

you can fix us dinner again. Mom? What are you doing? Stop

shouting Mom. Please get down off the table. Alright, we

will take you out to dinner next Mother's Day. Put the

chocolate cake down Mom. Don't throw it on the floor like

you did the mashed potatoes. Yes I'll buy you a card, just

stop flinging buttered peas at me with the fork. Ouch!

Don't squirt that juice from the turkey at me with the

baster. It is hot. Put it down and calm yourself. Of course

I will do the dishes Mom. Anything you say. Just stop

pulling my hair! Appreciate you? Of course I do. Yes I'll

apologize for being so thoughtless. Just get the pepper

shaker out from under my nose before I sneeze my brains

loose. Alright, I'll say it. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM! Now,

please, let go of my ear WITH THE METAL TONGS.

to my mother, Mertys L. Fischer, on Mother's Day May 9, 1993.

Mother's Day was made a national holiday in 1914 by president

Woodrow Wilson.





She Can't Help It, She's My Mother



Duane B. Fischer





Sometimes she's kind, sometimes she's mean,

Forever on a balance beam.

With nerves of steel and steady hands,

She never balked at life's demands.

When morning came she roused at dawn,

Without complaints and grumbling yawns.

She dragged this whining kicking creep

Into the light from covers deep.

She packed my lunch and wiped my nose,

And sent me off in five foot snows!

I learned to count and read and spell,

Report cards were a living hell.

We went to church and learned to pray,

Because of her it's done each day.

She whipped my butt with saplings strong,

I soon forgot the reasons wrong.

She never quit or turned her back,

Or pitched a fit and said she'd pack.

She washed my clothes and pressed my shirts,

And lectured me on mini skirts.

The go carts roared and auto's screeched,

Her peace of mind had been impeached.

The times I tortured brother dear,

The wisdom that I didn't hear.

The sacrifices that she made,

Most debts I owe are still unpaid.

Her humble unassuming ways,

The times she never got the praise.

The times she nursed me back to health,

I learned riches were more than wealth.

The sleepless nights caused by my pranks,

The times she never got a thanks.

The graying hair and aging skin,

Can't hide the beauty that's within.

I'm glad I'm yours and not some others,

Forgive her world, there's not another,

She can't help it, she's my mother.

Original: Mother's Day May 1992





A Mothers Work



By, Duane B. Fischer



A mother works from dawn to dusk,

Seldom less, but often more!

Be it drapes to hang or corn to husk,

Or dusty trails across the floor.

A mothers work is never done.

Her eyes awake to shouts for food,

Of course none want the same!

With fruit in hand one flees while nude,

The grapes she saves and shouts "End Game"!

A mothers work is never done.

The Oatmeal's cold, the juice is spilled,

Buttered toast becomes airborne

Mom's sanity through love is willed,

Despite the tablecloth now torn!

A mothers work is never done.

The River Orange that flows on floor,

Is dammed by half chewed raisins.

A spoon with bend rebounds off door,

Maternal loves made Mom a maven!

A mothers work is never done.

The scent of bacon fills the air,

The children silent stare in awe.

Their begging eyes ask is this fair?

Mom smiles and chews, her rules are law.

A mothers work is never done.

With kitchen cleaned, and children washed,

Cartoons hold fast the rug rats minds!

Mom sits, but finds some chocolate squashed,

"With love from granny Sue" its signed!

A mothers work is never done.

Mom stops to watch dust bunnies play,

Exhausted though this days just born!

Those boys are Heavens golden rays,

Despite the hardness of the morn,

She thanks her God that three were born!

No, a mothers work is never done,

Its sunrise up til nighttime yawns.

Yes, father works from Sun for sons,

But a mothers work, is never done.

May 13, 2007 Dedicated to my beloved daughter Shelly Annette

Fischer/Carpenter





Are You Sure You Want To Skip That Birth Control Pill?

Duane B. Fischer

(1) Do you enjoy soaking your hands in a toilet? This is

essentially what happens if you have a child that doesn't

come already toilet trained! Boys tend to squirt you in

the eye with their fire hose like equipment and girls usually

soak your sock with a sudden waterfall demonstration. Is

there any smell on Earth worse than a diaper with a full

load? How can anything so cute smell so bad? They are too

young to be drinking beer and eating pickled eggs, so maybe

it's something in the strained carrots. Who else but a baby

could dip their finger in shit, smile and flip it at the

wallpaper? If you add up what it costs for diapers, butt

wipes, talcum powder and new wallpaper, you could buy a new

car! The alternative is to invest in a toilet training seat!

(2) Are you into creative free style art forms? You better

be if you plan to feed a baby! They drip, dribble and

drop bits of food in places science has yet to discover.

There is some secret ingredient that baby food manufactures

put in those jars that prevents the stuff from washing off

high chairs. Once it dries, you either have to chisel it off

by hand or have it sand blasted! The dye in those foods

stains everything it touches, except the baby. After feeding

the child a four course meal, your face looks like a make up

practice session for Bozo the clown! If it dries on your

face, you can either request admission to a leper colony or

call a plastic surgeon. Not even bleach will remove those

stains from your clothes, so burn them. Either be naked when

you feed the child and shower quickly, or cut a breathing

hole in a plastic trash bag and wear it!

(3) Do you get sick to your stomach if you see somebody else

barf? If so, then avoid babies. They slobber, spit and

throw up all the time! You pick them up to burp them, and

out it comes like a volcano exploding. A stream of strained

beets splattering all over the wall. Yuck! Enough to gag a

gopher on a garbage pile! Then they coo, smile and puke all

over your hair. Next they bat their little eyes, pucker up

and kiss you right on the mouth! There is nothing quite like

the flavor of a stomach acid kiss and the pungent scent of

sour milk to settle your already queasy stomach. While you

stand there with tears in your eyes trying not to hurl, they

burp a cloud of toxic gas in your face that would choke

Godzilla. As you stand there with baby drool dripping from

your chin down your neck, you are reminded that this too

shall pass!

(4) Do you remember the last time that you had a good night's

rest? If so, you aren't a mother! They all have bags

under their eyes big enough to carry groceries home in!

Their eyes are bloodshot from too much caffeine, too little

sleep and too many weight loss infomercials on late night

television. They have mastered the skill of cat napping

while sitting on the toilet seat or dozing between spin dry

cycles. The reason they so often look like they just

staggered out of bed when they answer the door, is because

they did! They can change a diaper, breast feed, read a

romance novel, balance the checkbook and snore with only one

eye open. They keep the handbook for Insomniac's Anonymous,

right beside the family Bible and child's birth certificate.

If the baby sniffles, farts or coughs they are instantly wide

awake. They are at the baby's bed faster than a horse coming

out of the starting gate at the Kentucky Derby. They know

what the child wants before it does! Sleep to them is a word

that vanished from their vocabulary the morning the home

pregnancy test was positive! The story about Rip VanWinkle

was really written by the sleep deprived mother of triplets

who was having a fantasy!

(5) Do you enjoy those moments in life that are full of

peace, quiet and tranquility? If so, don't forget to

take that pill! If you try to talk on the telephone,

they crawl onto your lap and shout in your face. If you try

to go to the bathroom, they pound on the door and scream as

if someone was beating them with a bull whip! If you sit

down to rest for a moment, they are instantly hungry, thirsty

or have to go potty. If you get them all cleaned up and

dressed in their best clothes to go some place, they will

invariably spring a leak in their diaper and leave a puddle

on the floor. If you pick up their toys scattered throughout

the house, they will rip the doily off the end table causing

the family heirloom ceramic lamp to tip over and shatter into

a thousand pieces. If you give them a swat on the butt, they

look at you as if you were Atilla The Hun! If you tell them

no, they make a face that makes the winner of the ugliest

pumpkin contest look cute and mutter just low enough to be

heard but not understood. If you give them a bath and put

clean clothes on them, they will go outside and fall

headfirst in a mud puddle.

If you are still glad that you had children after

reading this, then you are undoubtedly qualified for the

title of Mother. If this made you smile, then I know

that you will have a happy Mothers Day. If not, you had

better keep taking those pills!



Original: May 9, 1996 Mother's Day thoughts



Duane Fischer, W8DBF - WPE8CXO
E-Mail: dfischer at usol.com
Hallicrafters web site: www.w9wze.net
HHRP web site: hhrp.w9wze.net