[BCVHFA] Fwd: How to Sound like a Lid

[Carl Morgan]

Received this from a friend and thought I'd share.  Hope you get a 
chuckle out of it.

73  <>  Carl




>   Fourty-one ways to sound like a LID
>By: Rusty Bumpers, N4LID
>
>Note: This "Rusty Bumpers" column is from the May 1993 issue of 
>"Solid Copy", the Richmond (VA) Amateur Telecommunications Societys 
>monthly newsletter. Most of the examples used by "Rusty" have 
>happened on the local repeaters exactly as written, although some of 
>the items are exaggerated slightly for humor.
>(Step 35 was written before the 1993 "no business" rule change.)
>
>HOW TO SOUND LIKE A LID
>by Rusty Bumpers, N4LID
>
>In many areas I have noticed a tendency of people making a distinct 
>effort to sound like a "LID" on the local repeater. Since this 
>appears to be the new style in Amateur Radio, I thought I would 
>present this incomplete guide to radio LID-dom. The following is 
>what I call: "How to sound like a Lid in one easy lesson."
>
>1) Use as many Q signals as possible. Yes, I know they were invented 
>solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two-meter FM, but 
>they're fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what 
>you really meant. For example, "I'm going to QSY to the kitchen." 
>Can you really change frequency to the kitchen? QSL used to mean "I 
>am acknowledging receipt," but now it appears to mean "yes" or "OK." 
>I guess I missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning.
>
>2) Never laugh, when you can say "hi hi." No one will ever know you 
>aren't a long time CW ragchewer if you don't tell them. They'll 
>think you've been on since the days of Marconi.
>
>3) Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like "destinated" 
>and "negatory." It's OK to make up your own words here. "Yeah Bill, 
>I pheelbart zaphonix occasionally myself."
>
>4) Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D." As 
>mentioned in Step One, anything that creates redundancy is always 
>encouraged. That's why we have the Department of Redundancy 
>Department. (Please note that you can follow your call with "for 
>identification purposes" instead of "for I.D." While taking longer 
>to say, it is worth more "LID points".
>
>5) The better the copy on the repeater, the more you should use 
>phonetics. Names should be especially used if they are short or 
>common ones. I.E. "My name is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet 
>Alpha Charlie Kilo." If at all possible use the less common HF 
>phonetics "A4SM... America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico." And for 
>maximum "LID points", make up unintelligible phonetics. "My name is 
>Bob... Billibong Oregano Bumperpool."
>
>6) Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or has 
>been) in the group, whether they are still there or not. While this 
>has been unnecessary for years, it is still a great memory test. You 
>may also use "and the group" if you are an "old timer" or just have 
>a bad memory. Extra points for saying everyone's call and then 
>clearing in a silly way - like "This is K2xxx, Chow, Chow."
>
>7) Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps people 
>guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation", and 
>vice-versa. And even if the amplifier you're using is a Class C type 
>amp, and thus not biased for linear amplification, be sure to call 
>it your "linear." Heck, refer to all FM-style amplifiers as 
>"linears." You'll be king of the "wrong terminology" hill. Or better 
>yet, refer to them as "lin-e-yars."
>
>8) If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn, taking as 
>long as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible, pass it 
>around a few times first. This will discourage the breaker, and if 
>it is an emergency, encourage him to switch to another repeater and 
>not bother you.
>
>9) Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to sign 
>out. Never let him get by with a yes or no answer. Make it a 
>question that will take a long time to answer.
>
>10) The less you know about a subject, the more you should speculate 
>about it on the air. The amount of time spent on your speculations 
>should be inversely proportional to your knowledge of the subject.
>
>11) If someone on the repeater is causing interference, you should 
>talk about that person at great length, making sure to comment on at 
>least four out of six of the following: (1) His mental state; (2) 
>His family; (3) His intelligence, or lack of same; (4) His sexual 
>preference; (5) His relationship to small animals, his mother, or 
>both; (6) His other methods of self entertainment.
>
>12) If you hear two amateurs start a conversation on the repeater, 
>wait until they are 20 seconds into their contact, and then break-in 
>to use the patch. Make sure that it's only a simple routine phone 
>call. It's also very important that you run the autopatch for the 
>full three minutes. This way, once the two re-establish contact, 
>they won't even remember what they were talking about.
>
>13) You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a visiting 
>amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure you break-in 
>with your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version. 
>This is most effective if several other Lid trainees join in, each 
>with a different route. By the time the amateur wanting directions 
>unscrambles all the street names whizzing around in his head, he 
>should have mobiled out of range of the repeater. This keeps you 
>from having to stick around and help the guy get back out of town later.
>
>14) Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing others 
>from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your quest is to 
>make people so sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on 
>their radio, they'll move to another frequency. This way you'll 
>lighten the load on the repeater, leaving even more time for you to 
>talk on it.
>
>15) See just how much mobile flutter you can generate by operating 
>at handheld power levels too far from the repeater. Engage people in 
>converations when you know they won't be able to copy half of what 
>you're saying. Even when they say you are uncopyable, continue to 
>string them along by making further transmissions. See just how 
>frustrated you can make the other amateur before he finally signs 
>off in disgust.
>
>16) Give out wacky radio advice. When a newcomer's signal is weak 
>into the repeater, tell him he can correct the problem by adjusting 
>the volume and squelch knobs on his radio. Or tell people they're 
>full quieting except for the white noise on their signal. 
>Or....well, you get the idea.
>
>17) Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel important 
>using words average people don't say. Who cares if it makes you 
>sound like you just fell off of Channel 19 on the Citizen's Band? 
>Use phases such as "Roger on that," "10-4," "I'm on the side," 
>"You're making the trip," and "Negatory on that."
>
>18) Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you can make 
>your audio. Make sure the audio gain is so high that other amateurs 
>can hear any bugs crawling on your floor. If mobile, make sure the 
>wind noise is loud enough that others have to strain to pick your 
>words out from all the racket.
>
>19) Be as verbose as possible. Never say "yes" when you can say "He 
>acquiesced in the affirmative by saying 'yes'." (No kidding, I 
>actually heard that one.)
>
>20) Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or "QSL." Sure, 
>you don't need to acknowledge that you received the other 
>transmission in full. After all, you would simply ask for a repeat 
>if you missed something. But consider it your gift to the other 
>amateur to give him solace every few seconds that his transmissions 
>are being received.
>
>21) When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say you're 
>"listening" or "monitoring" multiple times. I've always found that 
>at least a half dozen times or so is good. Repeating your multiple 
>"listening" IDs every 10 to 15 seconds is even better. Those people 
>who didn't want to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping 
>you'll go away after you have finally made a contact.
>
>22) Give out repeater FM signal reports using the HF SSB R-S system 
>("You're 5 by 9 here"). Sure it's considered improper for FM 
>operation and you may even confuse some people, but don't let that 
>spoil your fun!
>
>23) Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other station 
>easily on simplex -- especially if you can make the contact on 
>simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely 
>proportional to your distance from the other station.
>
>24) If you and the other station are both within a mile or two of 
>the repeater you are using, you should always give a signal report. 
>("I'm sitting under the repeater and I know you can see it from 
>there, but you're full quieting into the repeater. How about me?")
>
>25) In the same vein as the previous step, when monitoring a 
>repeater, you should always give signal reports as if the repeater 
>didn't exist. ("Yep, I'm right under the repeater. You've got a 
>whopping signal. You're S-9 plus 60. That must be a great rig.")
>
>26) On repeaters with courtesy tones, you should always say "over." 
>Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know when you have 
>unkeyed, but don't let that stop you. Say "over," "back to you," or 
>"go ahead." It serves no useful purpose, but don't worry -- it's still fun.
>
>27) Think up interesting and bizarre things to do to tie-up the 
>repeater. The goal here is not to facilitate communications, but to 
>entertain all the scanner listeners out there. Do something 
>original. Try to hum CTCSS (PL) tones. Sing pager tones. You're 
>getting the idea.
>
>28) Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine calls. While 
>pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll be 
>there in two minutes. Or call your spouse to complain about the bad 
>day you had at work. After all, the club has "measured rate" service 
>on their phone line, so they get charged for each autopatch call. 
>Your endeavor is to make so many patches in a year that you cost the 
>club at least $20 in phone bills. That way you'll feel you got your 
>money's worth for your dues.
>
>29) Never say "My name is....". It makes you sound human. If at all 
>possible, use one of the following phrases: A) "The personal here 
>is...." B) "The handle here is...." Normally, handles are for 
>suitcases, but it's OK to use them anyway. Don't forget, this has 
>worked just fine for CBers for years. The best retort I ever heard: 
>"My handle is pink, my name is..."
>
>30) Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both are already considered 
>plural, but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say "best of 73's" or 
>"88's". Who cares if it means "best regards" and "love and kisses." 
>Better yet, say "seventy thirds"! Or be funny and say "seventy 
>turds." Or talk like a 1960s CBer and sign off with "Threeeeeeees to 
>ya!". (By the way, 70 thirds equals about 23.3, the average CBers IQ.)
>
>31) Make people think you have a split personality by referring to 
>yourself in the plural sense. When you're in conversation and are 
>alone at your radio, always say "We're" or "We've" instead of "I'm" 
>or "I've" (i.e. "we've been doing this...", "we're doing that...", 
>"we're clear"). Everyone knows you're by yourself, but when they ask 
>you who is with you, make up somebody important like Arnold 
>Schwarzenegger or Bill Clinton.
>
>32) Always attempt to use the higher functions of the repeater 
>before you have read the directions. Nothing will work, but you'll 
>have great fun and get lots of people to give you advice.
>
>33) Test repeater functions repeatedly (that's why they call it a 
>repeater). Test your signal strength from the same location several 
>times every day. Concentrate on testing the things that really 
>matter, like the number of time the repeater has been keyed-up. That 
>stuff is fun to track. Test the outside temperature, or the 
>transmitter heat sink termperature as often as possible. The farther 
>the temperature goes from the norms, the more often you should test 
>it. Also, if you get a pager set to the repeater's output frequency, 
>as soon as you receive it set it off every 30 seconds or so until 
>the battery runs down. Better yet, interrupt conversations to test it.
>
>34) If the repeater is off the air for service, complain about the 
>fact that it was off the air as soon as it's turned back on. Act as 
>though your entire day has been ruined because that one repeater 
>wasn't available when you wanted to use it. Even thought you have 
>never donated a penny to help out with the upkeep of it, and despite 
>the fact that you have all 42 local repeaters programmed into your 
>mobile radio.
>
>35) Find ways to get around the "no business" rule on autopatches. 
>Your plan is to try and fool the repeater control operators. Invent 
>code words your secretary at work will understand to disguise any 
>business talk so it sounds like personal chatter. Or get to be 
>friends with the local Domino's Pizza manager. Make it so that when 
>you call him on the patch and ask him to bring over the "floppy 
>disk" you need to your house, he shows-up 30 minutes later with a 
>piping hot large pepperoni and sausage pie. The possibilities are endless....
>
>36) Always make sure you try to communicate with only a handheld and 
>a rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you work through a repeater 
>that you can hear very well, but it cannot hear you. This will put 
>out a kind of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the repeater 
>just fine here. I wonder why it can't hear me?" You will score 
>maximum LID points if you are mobile, and with the radio lying in 
>the passenger seat.
>
>37) If an annoying station is bothering you, make sure your other 
>"LID" buddies have a "coded" frequency list. Even though "CODES" are 
>strictly forbidden on Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice 
>"James Bond" tactics.
>
>38) Always use the National Calling Frequency for general 
>conversations. The more uninteresting, the longer you should use it. 
>Extra points are awarded if you have recently move from an adjacent 
>frequency for no reason. Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525 
>that you hang out there and talk to your friends five miles down the 
>road about the good old CB days!
>
>39) Make sure that if you have a personal problem with someone, you 
>should voice your opinion in a public forum, especially a net. Make 
>sure you give their name, call, and any other identifying remarks. 
>For maximum points, make sure the person in question is not on the 
>repeater, or not available.
>
>40) Make sure you say the first few words of each transmission 
>twice, especially if it is the same thing each time. Like "roger, 
>roger" or "fine business, fine business". I cannot stress enough 
>about encouraging redundancy.
>
>41) If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in and ask 
>how each station is receiving you. Of course they will only see the 
>signal of the repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment 
>when you can find a fellow "LID", and get the report. Extra points 
>are awarded if you are using a base station, and the repeater is 
>less than five air miles from you.
>
>These easy steps should put you well on your way to "LID-Hood". I 
>hope these helpful hints will save you some time in your quest to 
>sound like the perfect "LID". I should also note that these steps 
>can also apply to simplex operation, but nobody really cares because 
>that pawn-shop HTX-202 isn't going to get out too far with just a rubber duck.
>
>73,
>
>Rusty Bumpers, N4LID
>
>P.S. "Rusty Bumpers" is a pen name. He maintains anonymity so he can 
>sit peacefully at club meetings and avoid the wrath (and breath) of 
>the uninformed.