[ARC5] O/T (sorta): DEDICATED TO ALL THOSE WHO FLEW BEHIND ROUND ENGINES

[D C *Mac* Macdonald]

DEDICATED TO ALL THOSE WHO FLEW BEHIND ROUND ENGINES

We  gotta get rid of those turbines; they're ruining aviation
and our  hearing ... A turbine is too simple minded, it has
no mystery. The air  travels through it in a straight line
and doesn't pick up any of the  pungent fragrance of engine
oil or pilot  sweat.

Anybody can start a turbine. You just need to move a  switch
from "OFF" to "START" and then remember to move it back  to
"ON" after a while. My PC is harder to  start.

Cranking a round engine requires skill, finesse and  style.
You have to seduce it into starting. It's like waking up  a
horny mistress. On some planes, the pilots aren't  even
allowed to do it..

Turbines start by whining  for a while, then give a
lady-like poof and start whining a little  louder.

Round engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle,  click-click,
BANG, more rattles, another BANG, a big macho FART or
two, more  clicks, a lot more smoke and finally a serious
low pitched roar. We  like that. It's a GUY thing...

When you start a round engine,  your mind is engaged and you
can concentrate on the flight ahead.  Starting a turbine
is like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but,  hardly
exciting.

When you have started his round  engine successfully your
Crew Chief looks up at you like he'd let you  kiss his girl , too!

Turbines don't break or catch fire often enough, which leads
to  aircrew boredom, complacency and inattention. A round
engine at speed  looks and sounds like it's going to blow
any minute. This helps  concentrate the mind!

Turbines don't have enough control  levers or gauges to keep
a pilot's attention. There's nothing to fiddle  with during
long flights.

Turbines smell like a Boy  Scout camp full of Coleman Lamps.
Round engines smell like God intended  machines to smell.

Pass this on to an old Round Engine guy  (or his son, or
anyone who flew them) in remembrance of that  "Greatest
Generation".